Posted at 3:35 PM Sep 24, 2009By Andrea Grimes
Take your stupid, clunky, emo-ass goth shoes off. Stick them in a time machine and ship 'em back to the mid-'90s, where they can enjoy being edgy and threatening. You'll probably also want to throw in your Marilyn Manson records, but I'll allow you to hang on to them in case you want to sell them at CD Warehouse or something. But we have no room for your twenty-buckle S&M boots here in 2009.
Clearly if you're still wearing these heinous clunkers, you missed the memo: tattoos, black eyeliner and a bad attitude stopped being edgy and non-conformist around the time Bill Clinton left office. So you really don't have to abuse your feet and figure by wearing your goth boots any more. I'm not oppressing you by telling you to ditch the shoes--I'm liberating you! You can be sad, angry, morose, whatever and not wear shoes that make you look like a Lego man. It's called "being a thoughtful, emotional human."
From whence does the goth fashion get its timelessness? Walking around my local college campus today, I noticed students wearing the same black-all-over getups favored by kids I went to high school with 7 years ago--and I can assure you that we didn't think it was new, even then. Isn't it time to move on from pasty makeup and neon-dreadlocks? I think so. Ladies of the world, will you join me?