In Fashion: Pad It Out

Posted at 5:00 AM Sep 25, 2009

By Kathleen Willcox

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Toodles, puny shoulders: ring in football season in style with shoulder pads that would make the most insecure, underweight and over-compensating lineman blush.

And why not? There's a reason the broads of Dallas and Dynasty were so refreshingly outre and ballsy. Aside from their personality disorders and bouts of binge drinking, bitch-slapping and heartbreaking, they must have found their decidedly alpha mode of dressing, involving daily strap-ins to veritable suits of armor, starring shoulder pads OUT TO HERE!, rather bracing.

Designers, in a strangely recession-oblivious moment, are throwing their cajones in the ring, with aggressive macho looks more suited for the battlefield than the couch. The better to wow fashion journos with? Let's follow their lead and get in gear! (At the very least, according to corny "fashperts" everywhere, shoulder pads will whittle totally your waist, make your butt look half its size and make it so your shit don't stank.)

For the super-fems
:

Not convinced? Too girly to dress like Peyton Manning? Relax, Ms. O'Hara. You can always start small with this booty-hugging shirt that will flaunt all your curves and add just a touch of heft to your shoulders - the crew neck cut, ruched sleeve details, slightly flared hem and jersey material - no man will ever think you're anything less than a lady. Torn by Ronny Kobo. $143.

For your inner Battlestar Galactica siren:

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If you like the pimped-out shoulders, but could do without the Napoleonic fanfare, make like Number 6 and strut your stuff in an unapologetically sizzling, sexy sequined tunic dress from Topshop as you attempt to take over the world. $90.

Suit Up, Soldier:

If you're ready to embrace this look with all of the steely enthusiasm of a pomo, take no prisoners dahling, Marlene Dietrich, than launch the battle cry and hit the streets (or the keyboard) to snap up this knit double-breasted military jacket from Express. On the double! At $79.50, these blazers-cum-overcoats (pictured here) are going to go faster than pies on Pizza Tuesday at the mess hall.

Comments

Mjx said:

Oh no... not again... I remember routinely ripping out shoulder pads from virtually every top and dress I bought in the 80s; even as a kid, I had broad shoulders. But the narrow-shouldered didn't seen to fare any better, because it didn't work with their proportions. A little added structure (like the jacket, above) is nice, but actual shoulder pads don't seem to do anyone any favours at all... even the much-touted waist-slimming illusion is pretty minimal (if you have a wide waist or a big stomach, it's going to take a lot more than wider shoulders to make a waist look slender).

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