FU Penguin tells Heartless Doll pets (and humans) what's what!

Posted at 3:40 PM Sep 03, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

A few weeks ago, we asked readers to send in their cutest animal photos so that FU Penguin's Matthew Gasteier could give them the what-for--or, as the site's tagline says, "what's what," in the true spirit of hating on cuteness. Gasteier's in the middle of promoting his FU Penguin book, but he took some time to shit all over what a few of you Dolls hold nearest and dearest.

The big winners are Robyn and Sara, who will be receiving copies of the new book because they sent their photos in fastest. So, fuck ya'll.

Here's Robyn's dog, with accompanying FU caption:



And Sara's cat, Milly:


"We let cats sleep anywhere, so why do they always decide to pick the craziest places ever? YOU COULD FALL AT ANY MOMENT, CAT. Or could it be... is this cat actually melting into the couch? Stay away from me, Couch Cat, you may be furry and comfortable, but you weird me out."

Reader Lauren, however, sent in a picture of an actual human baby. Mr. FU Penguin was not impressed--but neither was he deterred! Click after the jump to find out what Gasteier had to say to little Caden, pictured here:


"I'm sorry, did I miss something? Are you a cat? I don't do babies, moron, READ THE FUCKING CONTRACT NEXT TIME. Nike, real original, I bet you shop at the Gap, too, you fucking conformist. This is the last time I let someone hire me for a birthday party."

And just who do you think you are, reader Janschelle's cat, Oscar?


"Is there anything worse than when cats curl up in small things? What is so great about a cardboard box, Cat? I bet your owner gave you something really awesome in that box, like a personalized photo album, and within ten seconds you're sleeping in the box. Fuck you, you lazy ungrateful bastard."

Dogs are not immune, as we can see from the treatment of Jennifer and Cynthia's (rock stars at the Dallas Observer, BTW) puppies. Here's Dexter:


"Little dogs can never hold their liquor, so I'm not surprised to see this little lady waking up and realizing that she can't remember anything she did last night. Well, I was at the same bar, and let's just say she wasn't originally wearing that sweater, her hair is normally black, and that's not her bed. DO YOU STILL FIND BINGE DRINKING CUTE?"

And poor Bennie:


"Enough with the stink eye, hot dog, no one wants your stupid octopus toy. The blue fish on the other hand - OK, Jesus, I give up, just stop looking at me like you can kill me with your robot collar."

Thanks to all who sent in photos! I mean, fuck you guys!


Sara said:

I can't believe I won!! The caption is particularly apt- I can't count the number of times my cat rolled over while sleeping on something, fell off, then gave me the dirtiest look, like I had pushed her!

Cynthia said:

I can't tell you how thrilled Dexter was at seeing this! We are both so pleased that he could be told what's what by the man himself... But I am afraid Dexter's been walking around the house like he owns it now... self absorbed bastard...

AG said:

FU Penguin...the OTHER blog that makes me LOL.

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