Ladies We'd Like to Bring to Life: Jane Eyre

Posted at 8:30 AM Aug 05, 2009

janeyre.jpg
By Geoff George

Jane Eyre in less than 500 words:

"John hit me with a book, Aunt Reed."
"Well, Jane, you are of a lower station than he is. Go to the red room."
"No."
"Go."
"Fine, fine ... the ghost of your dead husband'll probably show up again. I'll tell him you said hello."
* * *
"You ever feel like things are kinda blatantly classist around here, Bessie?"
"Jane, whatever do you mean? What's 'classist'?"
"Forget it."
"The Missus is sending you to boarding school soon for being insolent."
"Oh, thank Christ. And I mean that too, 'cuz I'm actually pretty religious."
* * *
"Eight years at this freakin' school, my best friend's dead, I've read every book here and learned to draw the hell out of these English moors ... Screw it. I'm gettin' outta here."
* * *
"Thanks for hiring me as the governess of your illegitimate, possibly unrelated daughter, Mr. Rochester."
"Sure."
"The Thornfield Estate's nice. Pretty big. Say, I don't know if Mrs. Fairfax forgot to give me the full tour or what, but I never got to see the third floor."
"Nobody's up there. I mean ... nothing's up there. Just Grace Poole. She's a drunk, you know."
"What? What does that have-"
"Grace. Poole."
" ... Well, it's a good thing your anger intrigues me."

* * *
"Bessie! What the devil are you doing here?"
"I've come to summon you. You're Aunt Reed is dying."
* * *
"Look, Aunt Reed, I'll probably never get you one of those shirts that says "#1 Aunt" or anything, but I'm ready to forgive and forget if you are."
"No."
* * *
"Mr. Rochester, this is getting ridiculous. Somebody set fire to your bed frame, stabbed Mr. Mason, then woke me up with laughter. If it's Grace Poole, then you should really hire some new help."
"Um ... well ... say, would you marry me, Jane?"
"Aren't you and Blanche Ingram kind of an item?"
"Nope. Red herring."
"Superfantastic."
* * *
"So the one who's been terrorizing the estate late at night is your crazy first wife that you kept locked on the top floor?"
"Yes, are you mad at me?"
"A little, yeah."
"She means nothing to me. You can paint and hold conversations. She just throws stuff and babbles. We could run away to France."
"I'm gonna go."
* * *
"I've been wandering the countryside for days. I'm starving. Can you help?"
"Sure. I'm St. John Rivers. Be warned, I'm a religious nut who'll try to guilt you into marriage once I find out you're a no-nonsense, practical gal suited for missionary work."
"Wow, I'm not that hungry, but maybe I'll stick around for a year and see if this gets better."
* * *
"Nope, just as bad as I thought it would be."
* * *
"Mr. Rochester, I'm back!"
"I'm blind. My wife is dead."
"I inherited 20,000 pounds. I'm rich."
"I'm a sad old man."
"You always were."
"Marry me?"
"Sure, but only 'cuz I want to."

Comments

Lauren said:

I love it! British language sounds so modern nowadays, huh?

Susan said:

"Nope. Red herring."
"Superfantastic."

Amazing.

Ash said:

This is by far my favorite "Ladies We'd Like to Bring to Life". I love Jane Eyre, she is my favorite female character of all time. This 500 summary was the best. especially this:

"So the one who's been terrorizing the estate late at night is your crazy first wife that you kept locked on the top floor?"
"Yes, are you mad at me?"
"A little, yeah."

Classic.

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