10 Reasons I Kind of Wish I Was a Nun

Posted at 5:00 AM Aug 03, 2009

By Bonnie Ruberg

We contemporary women are supposed to be enjoying our social freedoms and our right to sexual self-expression--and on most days I'm all for that. But sometimes I see a woman of the cloth walk by, or I see a man dressed as a woman of the cloth (I do live in San Francisco) and I let out a sigh thinking about all the reasons to give up my agnostic Jewish ways and just convert, hardcore. For example:

10. No more worrying about silly boys

I'd probably never survive it as a celibate anything, but on days that guys make me sad or flat-out annoyed, it doesn't sound so bad to live a life without dating drama. Does he like me? Doesn't he like me? Oh wait, it doesn't matter, because I'm a frickin' nun.

9. No more worrying about what to wear
Ever have those mornings when you try everything in your closet on and absolutely nothing looks right? Sisters don't have that problem - at least not the kind who wear habits. Today you could wear a big black thing, a big black thing, or a big black thing.

8. You know, helping people out

Female members of the clergy, so I hear, are particularly prone to dedicate themselves to being socially useful. They help the sick, they educate, they hit students with rulers in order to encourage them to read. Basically, they save the world one set of aching knuckles at a time.

7. Lots of time to hang out and read

Nun life seems to come with a lot of reflective down time. Considering there are a couple hundred books on my current "want to read" list, the idea of having an endless amount of chill afternoons to commune with God, i.e. catch up on back issues of The New Yorker, makes nun-dom sound pretty darn appealing.

6. Time to bond with other girls

I often have a hard time feeling comfy with newly-met girls, mostly because I'm worried they'll be catty or silently criticize that outfit I finally decided to pull out of my closet. What are nuns going to think? My habit isn't on quite right?

5. The chance to sing in a choir, however badly

Maybe I'm basing this one entirely on Sister Act--okay, I totally am--but I'd love the opportunity to put on a funny-colored gown, clap a lot, and sing about religion in a spunky manner. Whoopi Goldberg might even show up. We could be friends.

4. Getting to pick the brains of priests

Being a lay person, it's considered rude or something to ask members of the clergy all types of "inappropriate" questions. As a nun, no one would suspect that I'm fascinated by sex. I'd have a secret in into the lustful minds of priests. All would be revealed.

3. Knowing somebody called "mother superior"

That one speaks for itself. It's just so fun to say.

2. Not getting all worked up about the future

How will I do in grad school? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Where should I be in 20 years? Nuns, I presume, don't worry about stuff. Where will they be in 20 years? Exactly where they are now.

1. Nabbing a really famous husband

Yeah, Donald Trump or Brad Pitt would be a pretty impressive partner, but Jesus, well, everybody knows him. Lots of people respect him, and he could use his divine magic to conjure you up a new car, a fancy house, or whatever it is nuns covet. Unfortunately, he lacks that whole corporal body thing, but he does tend to have his shirt off in religious sculptures....