Women crave sex, but after they've had it

Posted at 10:45 AM Jul 16, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

If you walk by a hot dude on the street and your ladyparts don't immediately begin to burn with a thousand fires of desire, you're not alone: a new study suggests that women may feel sexual desire as a result of having sex, not before. (And if your ladyparts really are burning with a thousand fires, maybe call up the gyno before reading the rest of this article.)

Time was, scientists figured women's libidos to be the same as men's and reckoned that if a woman wasn't walking around with a girlie hard-on, there must be something wrong with her. It's all centered around desire and arousal, with scientists assuming that desire preceeded arousal. Women who lacked "desire" were thought to have a "low libido." Now, scientists have decided that maybe there's nothing "low" about lady libido--it's just different--and that desire may come after a woman is aroused, not before.

Shocker! Viewing women's sexuality in terms of women rather than in terms of men! Who'dathunkit?! PsychologyToday takes on the issue:

"... what if desire does not precede arousal? That's what University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, M.D., discovered in interviews with hundreds of women. Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. "Women," Basson explains, "often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral." But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.
This presents a number of interesting questions, of course, with numero uno being: if some women don't experience desire before having sex, why do they do it?

According to Basson, for reasons that affirm their relationships but are not inherently sexual, wanting to please their lover, feel intimate, prevent strife, or make up after it. Basson's model supports an old saying about the difference between men and women: Men become intimate to have sex. Women have sex to become intimate.
Seems overly simplistic, of course, but remember, we're not talking about all women, here, or all men for that matter. And hey, this part sounds pretty good to me: scientists wondered what kind of sexytime gets low-desire ladies going, and the answer is ... good sexytime! Gosh, nothing gets past these people:

... the type of sex that fuels desire is leisurely, playful, sensual lovemaking based on whole-body massage that includes the genitals but is not limited to them. This is the lovestyle that many surveys show women prefer, but often don't get. One of women's main sexual complaints is that men are non-sensual--too rushed, and too focused on the breasts, genitals, and a quick plunge into intercourse. Given Basson's view of women's desire, this complaint makes perfect sense.
You mean to tell me--and stop me if I get this wrong--women don't want to be jackhammered within an inch of their life by a guy who thinks a tit-grab is foreplay? Amazing.


Calvin said:

"Everything but..." comes in for the win again! Man, I'm glad I'm me.

David said:

Who believes those crazy Brits anyway?

I live my life just like the old Benny Hill re-runs.

David said:



Sorry - should have been trashing the Canadians instead.

That's what I get for skimming!

michelle said:

with many women, desire is an ongoing process; a healthy mental picture of self & the freedom to explore my body are essential to satisfying physical encounters with any partner

Cat said:

I agree with the study's results...
Women tend to have a lot on their minds! Having a body massage and lots of foreplay helps us put our minds to rest and sets the stage for enjoyable sex. (The best sex is the kind that isn't rushed; is very playful and foreplay is crucial to a woman...it gets the juices running.)
Hey guys...slow it down and give her time to warm up...sometimes women are like a cold engine on a winter's morning!

John said:

Wow as a man I have to completely agree with this article the study that prompted it. I'm glad I've taken my notes over the years.

Now ladies, does this mean that the excuse "I'm just not in the mood." is out the window? I mean if we slow it down, make it sensual, and really turn it into love making....well hell I think i just answered that question. LOL

Learn gentleman.

Anonymous said:

simply cool

taint said:

Some women give birth right after:


Johnny said:

So you're saying that women want sex only after having it... Well, it makes as much sense as anything else I've heard them say.

Jane Quatam said:

I think they missed the whole idea of alcohol as a precursor to foreplay. An orgasm is a cascade and something has to start the process foreward.

Brad said:

At some point can we just admit woman have almost no sex drive compaired to men. We keep trying to find it and define it, but its just not there.

Men want sex, Women want children, stability, a house.

Horace said:

SF Weekly, get this.

Besides being crap-ass psychoanalytical drivel, this article is derisive towards men.
This is the first article I've read at Heartless Dolls, and I get a strong impression that Andrea Grimes (and probably all of Heartless Dolls) tend towards man-bashing.
That shtick is so overplayed as to be trite.

Rebecka said:

Michelle I couldn't agree with you more, with many women, myself being one, if things are good in life with hubby and I am shown appreciation along with respect I have desire like all the time. If I don't feel we are on the same page or just not appreciated, my desire dwindles more and more. I am not saying just one fight or something, it is over time and the overall feeling, not just because you pissed me off that one time. It is an emotional closeness that we feel to the other that really does bond, but if that bond starts to feel strayed then our libido runs to hide. Cannot make it appear or disappear it does it according to the emotional statis of the overall body I guess.

SLEZE said:

For all you women telling guys to slow down, and that we are too fast are really just speaking for yourselves. I have been with just as many women that are ready to go and get frustrated when I took too long with the foreplay.

Every woman is different. Guys just need to read the one that they are with. Some take time to warm up and some are on fire at the first touch. Just pay attention (of course it would be much easier if each woman would just say what she wants).

Jim said:

There is seems to be an opinion among some women (including the author) that men are sexual buffoons. This demeaning of men is a sure sign that you don't appreciate and respect men and most probably have to suffer bad partners who will tolerate the undermining behavior.

Brandon said:

I'm just gonna keep jackhammering away until I hear complaints. Thanks for the useless study.

Asking women what they want is like asking a newborn. THEY don't even know what they want so stop asking.

david said:

Interesting article. I think the guys here bashing it should at least try this approach before condemning it. Some therapy probably wouldn't hurt either.

M said:

1. Then why do women masturbate?
2. Brad, women do have sex drives so you can stop blaming whatever is happening to you on women
3. In my experience, women vary more in what type of sex they like than men do. So these findings make sense for some women.

Josh said:

It's hard for men (no pun intended) to be on the same page as women. Women need intimacy, and most men just desire "wham, bam, thank you mam." So men, for the most part, do need to slow down and get into an intimate mood. Which can be very difficult when all your sexual drive is going crazy.

If you are in touch with your woman, being intimate with her and get her going, will only get you going even more.

The 1 minute quickies are usually ok for guys and horrible for women. But the 30 - 60 minute sessions, are AMAZING!

Jim said:

Jim the problem is a lot of men are sexual baffons, and couldn't hit the broad side of the barn. Most of it is not their fault though. Most men have a lot of testosterone, which women usually do not have a lot of. It takes time and practice to be on the same page as women.

I understand you and Brandon look down upon this, as i'm sure you look down upon women. Sad... oh well, your lose.

alphabeta said:

Andrea, you are yet another hack that should not, and in fact cannot, write copy in any way shape or form. Never mind your childishly random approach to punctuation, tedious 'folksy' tone and grating attempts at humour, what really annoys me is you do not know what the words you use mean. Simplistic means overly simple already, it is a tautology to call something overly simplistic.

Just give up please, you are terrible.

Jiminy Jew said:

The study you quoted was good, but you are shite for a journalist, ma'am.

Derick said:

This can also be true for men...so to speak. I know I personally hate it when my wife just wants to have a quickie and get done with it. If I don't have any kind of sensual pre-arousal. If it's just sex, but not sexy; I have trouble having an orgasm. Sure, I can always manage to ejaculate, but I don't think many woman realize that just because we cum doesn't mean we necessarily had an orgasm...

Yuki said:

Brad, I disagree with you. E_E Women do not just want children, stability, or a house, or any of that (well, a good palce to sleep is nice, but...) I mean, some women don't WANT children.

How do I know?

Lets see...

I'm a woman. =)

Paul said:

This certainly seems to be true in my experience. Most girls never seem to really want sex until they're having it. Sure, they'll be a little "horny" beforehand, but that's very different than crazing sex. Guys will get horny, then aroused and want sex. Girls need to be "convinced" by good, sensual foreplay.

Dan said:

Okay this is really simple. There is 'fucking' and there is 'making love'. Two entirely different things. In my experience both men and women want & enjoy both!

Obviously women prefer the latter (love making) more often then men. I think if you look at our past and the role's of men & women in the natural world, it's kind of easy identify why things are the way they are.

Anyways, in a good relationship both men & women will take each others needs and desires in to consideration.

I'm still struggling to figure out where the 'news' is in this story/study.

Josh said:

Hmmm... 20 minutes of full-body massage, followed by another 20 minutes of oral sex, and then finally something that I get some enjoyment out of? Well, she'd better look like Megan Fox, or I'll just stay home and masturbate (looking at pictures of Megan Fox), thanks. What the hell's the point? 90% of you just ain't worth it.

Heather said:

The best sex I ever had was with a man 18 years my senior. We had 1-2 hour sexual marathons every night for 3 years, and by the end I was usually practically begging for it. I think his maturity helped him to go a lot slower and sustain much longer than a lot of younger men. So I'm assuming that sex will continue to get better as I get older, because the men (and I) will just keep getting better at it.

Deborah said:

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



sasha said:

i am a married woman (married 2 months ago) who has good sex desire but am still virgin as i just afraid of pain...well i spoke to my husband to guide me. Now..my husband sex desire is very low and infact he told me he has not much interest in relationship...so any suggestion.

Summer said:

Of course, everyone is different... but personally I agree with the article. I've always wondered if maybe we just have the logistics of sex wrong. I mean, there's a biological reason for a man to climax DURING sex. But not necessarily for women (not like the egg drops right then or anything!!). And most women only climax through manual stimulation, not penetration alone.

Why haven't we thought that maybe the woman is supposed to be brought to climax BEFORE penetration, thus making her very lubricated and able to continue climaxing if she's able to have multiples. Gals? Guys?

Deborah said:

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



Didi said:

Sasha, don't be afraid of pain. It doesn't hurt as bad as you think, I know it's different for every woman but I'll tell you a way you wont even realise his penis is passed your hymen during your first time: Tell your husban to use his finger until he gets you used to having something in your vagina. When you start to feel confortable after a couple of times (over time, like after an accumulation of 7 different times) then tell him to instead of using 1 finger, to use 2 ... Like that progressively you get used to it and you wont even realise that your hymen has been torned (Even if you see a tiny spot of blood). Don't forget though to tell him to play with your clit, you'll be so into it that you'll forget or even very much like what he's doing with his fingers. It's even better if makes you come and/or have an orgasm. After this, you could try doing it for the first time, slowly but surely, and you wont even realise it's finally in until he actually starts moving. Nevertheless Sasha, how could you be married if your husban is not interested in relationships? What you have been carrying for the past 2 months is called a relationship! Please do me a favour and ask your husban if he loves you, if he says yes then he should try making some kind of effort to try to make you lose your virginity in the first place. Maybe that is the barrier he needs to cross in order to be interested in you! I just dont understand how could you marry someone and noy be into relationships! it's like not liking fishing but chosing to follow advanced fishing courses... just doesn't make any sense. Good luck and remember if he loves you and you love him but your new at the game invest into visiting a sex psychologist or if you want something less expensive, go to the library and read reacent books or studies on healthy relationships or whatever you think will help you as a couple!

trevor said:

I read a study on this online dating site called rainbow of luv and they showed that women are actually more influenced to perform additional acts of sex after recently having sex so this study here is right on the money I see this as a way to help more men understand women even better if we can figure them out and their likes and dislikes even more by studying them it may help us understand even more of why and how we act towards each other and improve ways of pleasing each other. great topic

Meplofettp said:


steepeask said:


Northewo said:


etyjetuykk said:


Polterrer said:


skookum said:

SO... I'm a very healthy (sexually) woman... and I just want to affirm something here: I'm not the average... because well I enjoy "rougher" quicker sex... though I relate to this article....
DO any other women find this to be true? I do...
If I have good sex... great sex... I get even hotter within the next 8 hours... and REALLY REALLY want it...... maybe I didn't even want it in the start... but once I've had the thrill... I want it ten times more. So maybe there is something to this article....
My curious thoughts are why? Guys want every women because... well they are ingrained to "spread" their seed... survival of the fittest. Is it the same with us? ButI don't go crazy over it until I've physically had it.. and then I'm hooked... actions are better than words... :)

Kayla said:

Josh -Your a moron, your probably angry cause 90% of those girls wouldn't give you the time of day anyway.
Brad -I don't want kids and I'm female. To bad so sad, you lose, sadley but oh so surely ;)
As far as all the men who could actually read this with an open mind, they are the ones who get laid.. just remember before you start whining about this article cause you can't face the facts that some women just don't have crazy sex drives like some men. Get over it.

DOH said:

Josh's comment wasnt the best but I kinda see what he's saying. I know it takes for all the stars to align and for the wind to blow at the right speed for six days and the temp. to be just right etc. before my wife is ready to go.

Im sayin that it does suck that I/men are expected to go through such rituals to be sexually and emotionally pleased. Gah I want sex everyday. so i have to dote and listen and do everything she wants and needs just so I can get what i want. Is she or too many women willing or able to do that for their man? Why cant women do the same for use. im not sayin i dont love caressing my wife and loving, nurturing doting cos the sex is amazing that way. And I agree with the article but it sucks that its true! Why do we have to cater to her??? She doesnt cater to us... yeah woman may have sex without being aroused or wanting to just to "please" the man... but I know the difference when you want it and you dont. So its cheap on both sides. Women step up on their side and men on theirs.

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allisonfic said:

Wanna very nice joke?)) Where did King Tut go to ease his back pain? The Cairo-practor!

jacks said:


Women are actually having sex with you! hello! You ARE getting what you want! this aint the fifties anymore, where women are expected to be legal prostitutes.

The fact is, women are biologically designed this way. A woman must be wet, horny, and lubricated enough for intercourse... otherwise, guess what. it fucking hurts. so if you must get grumpy at someone, get grumpy at God because thats how he made us. or are you saying you dont give a high flying damn if we're in pain or uncomfortable, just as long as you get to jackhammer your dick into us?

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stephanie =) said:

Women need the time it takes to feel aroused for sex. If you don't got the time don't waste mine.
Men put in a little effort.
Your efforts will be rewarded... Better sex, a happier more loving wife. ****

Patrick said:

YOUNG MEN-LISTEN^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I hear you complain about all of the trouble you have to go through. Look at all we do just to get a woman's attention.Hours, weeks, months invested, so what is your hurry. You guys are missing out.
There is nothing in life as good as giving a woman pleasure
If you would take the time to keep the seduction going with you woman all day long you cannot immagine the rewards. Take the time to tease, massage, carress. What better do you have to do with your time. She is more relaxed, you are more relaxed, you connect on an unbelievable level. You lose performance anxiety, can last for hours. What is better than loving feelings? And if you take the time, you will have many more of them. The best night of my night lasted over six hours. She had 50+ orgasms, & that is not a lie. Life was perfect that next day.

WOMEN######### Men are very,very,very and I cannot emphasize this enough, sensitive to sexual rejection. It will destroy us. If there is something that you would like,let us know. Talk to us. communicate. Don't let the relationship screw up in the first place. We like seduction too.
Some may say this sounds like being a pussy. I say it is a pussy that is afraid to admit they are human.

Greg said:

Patrick you couldn't have said it better.

Seth Foster said:

This is a yucky subject:)

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