Top 10 Un-sexiest Work Uniforms in the History of Employment
Posted at 5:00 AM Jul 14, 2009
By Merritt Martin
 |
We Dolls have held a fascinating array of jobs, and many of them required a certain state of dress. And some of those states of dress were not only restricted by company code, but, on some occasions, articles of clothing were issued by "the man."
At no time during my tenures slinging beverages, pimping Top 40 albums, dropping milkshakes on people's cars at Sonic, what have you, do I recall a truly flattering uniform. Thus, the following is an homage to the un-chic, a list of the loathsome and an official record of what I don't want to wear and don't think anyone should have to.
10. Sandwich board walker
There's no getting around it...literally. Sandwich boards are funny when Bret's wearing one on Flight of the Conchords, but in reality they offer no potential for dignity come the end of the day. (And let's just say that if one has a serious cankle issue--that sandwich board is going to hit mid-calf [at best] and only accentuate a heavily padded joint.)
9. All occupations requiring a giant onesie
Sure the sexy mechanic lady pops up on tool (ha!) calendars worldwide, but it's so not realistic. Last time I needed to change my oil or battery, I was sorta hoping my boob wouldn't fall into my workspace, so I--you know--zipped up. The resulting look of a properly worn worksuit is dowdy at best, with lots of odd puffy areas and faux-penis pooch from the full-torso zipper. Also, worse than a mechanic's jumpsuit is the prison issue variety, but I dunno, I kinda think it's for safety's sake that they're so unsavory.
 |
8. Home Depot associate
First off, my favorite color that isn't gray is orange, so it's not so much about the color of the apron, but two other aspects. First, the apron is a short cut, hitting many people at the widest part of the body. Never a good idea. Also, the whole "write your name in permanent marker" thing is just asking to produce wearable evidence that your handwriting is that of a serial killer. God forbid you make a spelling error when writing your own name because, well, it's a one-shot chance and maybe you got a little anxious because the manager clearly stated you would not get an extra apron if you effed up your "My Name Is." Not that I've ever been in such a situation, or anything.
7. Hot Dog On a Stick vendor
Yeah. No one--no fucking one--looks good in that freakish tall hat. It's just rude. And guys get a regular ball cap. What?! I get the history with the Mod uniform and all, but just as with Mod fashions to begin with, while the designs were foxy, they were best worn on the Twiggy's and size 2's of the world. So forgive me if my hips don't want to squeeze into a tiny mini or tight pants and then batter-dip wieners for the public. The one thing I'll give HDoaS: They went with vertical stripes. Still doesn't mean they're flattering on anyone, but I appreciate the thought.
 |
6. Blockbuster shill
Hey, anybody notice that khaki pants make everyone's asses look huge? That's what I thought. And no, Blockbuster Media doesn't care. Even if you're thin and willowy, khaki pants will add at least an inch to that rump. Add to that a bland, ill-fitting blue polo shirt and you have a de-genderizing nightmare complete with immediate shelf boob and pillow butt. I hope those employees get awesome discounts.
Comments
I beg to differ on #1...there have been a lot of HOT guys around my neck of the woods that ROCK the Postal Service/FedEx/ UPS outfits. They always deliver big packages! (Sorry, couldn't resist!)
Posted 07/14/2009 at 10:08:59 AMThe cartoon scrubs are usually worn in a Pediatric environment. Treating frightened children and toddlers, those little cartoon characters have helped a few kids get through the scary stuff.
So, 'And as for cartoon scrubs in general, since when is it OK or professional for grown-ass women to wear outfits that have the same decorative elements as some 2-year-old's jammies?' -When one is at least helping kids. What is your real job?
Posted 07/14/2009 at 10:21:19 AMThank you for your compassion toward children, Jenny, but it's FUN to make fun of chili pepper scrubs! And I want evidence that Betty Boop graphics reduce incidence of child trauma! :)
Posted 07/14/2009 at 11:12:32 AMI too appreciate those helping the kiddos, Jenny. I suppose I should've clarified that I don't understand such scrubs in a non-pediatric environment--namely my dentist's and gyno's office. For some reason, it makes me less confident talking about my bizness when my nurse has a giant Winnie the Pooh on hers.
Posted 07/14/2009 at 11:45:17 AMThere's one glaring exclusion from this list. Having spent several years rocking the Kinko's apron, I can wholeheartedly vouch for its startling un-sexiness. But if you need to safely house a half dozen Sharpie markers and scissors at crotch level, it can't be beat.
Posted 07/14/2009 at 01:01:15 PMI work at a pediatric hospital. I wear cartoon scrubs. Not the most flattering things, but when you're prepping a kid for a test or procedure, and they are preoccupied with all the fun cartoons on your shirt, it stops being a bad uniform and starts being a fantastic distraction to help you help the kid out.
Posted 07/14/2009 at 07:08:31 PMI've got to disagree on coveralls. Military flight suits cover a multitude of sins (and beer bellies) on large chested women. That and the whole "I'm an investment banker, what do you do?" "I'm a fighter pilot" interchange is funny as hell. Hoover, where ever you are, here's to you. Fly safe.
Posted 07/14/2009 at 09:40:23 PMUh, disagree. I have seen many hotties in Home Depot and Nurse scrubs. You couldn't be more off base. Of course some are horrible, like the hot dog vendor, but overall it is the person not the outfit.
Posted 07/14/2009 at 09:44:43 PMre: scrubs... they think making a fashion statement...
Posted 07/14/2009 at 10:13:48 PMsome major medical providers are starting to change
to uniforms, polo shirts, specified colors;
and tan or black pants.
Okay, I disagree...here's why:
Hot Dog On A Stick? They make the lemonade in those outfits, dude.
Home Depot...while I would never shop there the right girl, tying that apron around her waist, shows off the surves just right.
Scrubs--something nice about them, doctors and nurses are intelligent and that's sexy.
Blockbuster khakis...yes, they make one's ass appear big but they also accentuate that particular area. Nothing wrong with that.
Zookeeper and postal worker...the right figure in those outfits and the boots on the right legs--works for me.
Posted 07/14/2009 at 11:03:09 PMCould you BE more right about medical professionals' uniforms? What bothers me is that even people who work in offices that serve only adults are still wearing these scrubs with pink ponies and hearts and smiling suns and such. Reminds me of Trey Wilson's classic line in "Raising Arizona" when he was asked to describe what a kidnapped baby was wearing. When Wilson told him that the baby was wearing pajamas, the officer asked what the jammies looked like. And Wilson said, "I don't know! They had Yodas and shit on 'em!" That's exactly how I think of the smocks worn by the nurses in my doctor's office. Not good. Not good at all.
Posted 07/15/2009 at 08:13:28 AMI worked at HDOS! haha.....hated the uniforms!
Posted 07/15/2009 at 10:46:42 AMI agree with Hot Dog on a Stick. The oddest, most outdated uniforms I've ever seen. However, I did date a girl in high school that worked there. She pulled off the uniform pretty well.
Posted 07/15/2009 at 12:32:23 PMNow on to more stealthy tactics. It's certainly no secret that men are visual creatures. However, it turns out that convincing a guy to approach is far more complex than simply undoing an extra button. It has less to do with displaying lots of cleavage and more to do with flaunting your shoulders.
Posted 07/20/2009 at 08:30:37 PMThe Hot Dog on A Stick uniforms are not bad!
Posted 09/07/2009 at 11:44:18 AMThe only thing about them is, you look completely different with them on than with your regular clothes, but they're not that bad! They're kinda cute! I like them!