Top Ten Items That Should Not Carry the American Flag

Posted at 5:00 AM Jun 30, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu

In honor of our nation's birthday, we thought we'd take a minute and talk about what flying the American flag with pride actually means.  It means, well, flying the flag on a flagpole.  And that is IT.  Read on for the 10 worst crimes against the American flag.  It makes burning the sucker look like a sign of respect.

10. Condoms 

Because 1) you can never be too prepared and 2) nothing says love to a woman like the sight of a penis wrapped in Old Glory.  According to the condom's maker, this creation was invented in 1989 in an effort to protest the first Bush administration's reluctance to take action on the HIV/AIDS epidemic.  It never took off because of FDA concerns over the dyes used in the latex to create the stars and stripes.  Which is really too bad because I am sure there is a real market for these things.  Right?

9. Keychain...That Holds Condoms!

I guess prophylactic people are a very patriotic bunch.  Hence this little invention.  It's a keychain with the American flag on it.  Not very exciting on the surface, I'll grant you that.  But it opens to reveal a little space where you can hide your condoms!  The "Wear With Pride" motto on the keychain is an added touch.  Wow.  Whatever girl gets to go out with the dude carrying this puppy is one lucky lady!
8. Golf Balls

Because when you love your country this much, you just want to show your pride by whacking the heck out of its precious symbol.  Just smack these things to the green and put your hand over your heart and sing a verse of "The Star-Spangled Banner."  Now that's pride in citizenship, baby!

7. Underwear

Speaking of balls, check out this sexy Ken doll in the photo to your right.  My word, sailor, why don'tcha come on up to mah house?  Seriously, can you imagine getting intimate with your man and you take his pants off to find this?!  I wouldn't know whether to laugh, cry, or register to vote per my Constitutional rights.  Very strange.

6. Stars n' Stripes Bikini!

How dare you doubt my patriotism?  How dare you wonder if I love this country?  Have you no shame, sir?  Have you not witnessed my gigantic factory-produced boobies wrapped in the precious flag of our fathers?  Do you not see the red, white, and blue placed just so to cover my lady parts, all the while loudly trumpeting to the world that I love my country!!!  Lo, even as I walk the beach trolling for men, I will never shirk my duty to let my fellow citizens know what this precious land means to me.  Watch and be amazed as I salute, standing tall, proud, and free, able to objectify myself as only America will allow.  Smile and wipe the tears from your eyes as you recognize the beauty that comes from living in a land that supports the kind of Internet enterprise that created my glorious outfit.  Yes, indeed, God Bless the U.S.A!  Amen!