Posted at 5:00 AM Jun 01, 2009
By Jennifer MathieuAh, June. A season for blushing brides, walks down the aisle, and drunk best men delivering awkward toasts that reveal the groom has slept with half the women at the reception. Yes, it's wedding season. And while marriage is a totally fine concept, it's really the entire bridal industry that has me in a tizzy. Long gone are the days when a couple could exchange simple vows and retire to the church basement for punch and cookies. Now the "event" must be scripted from beginning to end and conform to a bunch of ridiculous standards created by an industry with one focus: getting paid. Don't give in, brides-to-be!
10. Fat Girls Can't Get Married
Apparently, fat girls can't get married. It makes sense that in a culture obsessed with female thinness and beauty that a woman is supposed to be her very skinniest on her wedding day. Hence the creation of
television shows and
books with such ridiculous titles as "Buff Brides" and "Bridal Bootcamp." Their sole intention, in addition to getting your money, is to get you to look as scrawny as possible when you say, "I do." Notice no one seems to care if the groom looks slender enough for the tux.
9. Bachelorette Party Favors That Will Make You Puke (Literally)
It's not enough that the bridal industry has taken over The Big Day - there's now a cottage industry in existence whose purpose is to provide women with products for a bachelorette party. Now maybe I'm just saying this because I got married at 29 and not 17, but if someone had given me a
Bachelorette Barf Bucket specifically to barf in I would have been insulted. Please. Water bottles shaped like dicks, whistles shaped like dicks, etc. etc. Like the bride to be is a naive virgin who's never seen a dick before? As if.
8. Cute Bridal Tees Help Enforce Stupid Stereotypes!
Okay, so I've never actually referred to a T-shirt as a "tee," but I suppose some do. That said, is it necessary to have an entire market devoted to
bridal tees that support outdated and ridiculous stereotypes? (The bride is a controlling bitch, the groom will be emasculated, the father of the bride is a walking checkbook, etc.) I'm sorry, but when you start forcing a young ring bearer to wear a shirt that refers to him as "The King of Bling," I think we're all forced to throw up in our mouths just a little. Who wears this shit?
7. Plastic Surgery As Bridesmaid's Gift? It's Just What I Wanted!
In this
read-it-to-believe-it article in
The New York Times, you can learn all about brides-to-be who gift their bridesmaids with Botox and Restylane injections instead of a pair of earrings. One 35-year-old bride interviewed for the piece explained it this way. "Giving them a bracelet isn't as special as spending an evening
together. Plus, as you get older, everyone is more conscientious about
their skin and appearance." For serious? The story goes on to tell the tale of two bridesmaids who were forced to drop out of a wedding when their claustrophobia prevented them from getting the perfect shade of tan from a tanning salon. Oh my God, enough! The beauty/bridal industry is literally laughing all the way to the bank over stories like this. Girls, get your heads straight!
6. Now We're Just Getting Ridiculous
I recognize there must be a market for these items or these companies would not exist, but if you Google "wedding cake toppers that look like you," you will be shocked to find sites such as
this and
this that promise you that you can have small wedding cake toppers that are molded in your likeness!
This place literally charges $1,000 for its personalized topper. And you can't even eat it!
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Comments
I am so with you on pretty much all of these but especially #9 - my 2 best friends have been told that should my boyfriend finally pop the question and therefore I subsequently have a hen/bachelorette weekend/night, if there are any plastic dicks/ l-plates/ sashes exclaiming 'bride-to-be' or anything like that in the vicinity, I'll be leaving straight away! All that crap is so tacky and such a waste of money - I'd rather have drinks bought for me instead!!
Posted 06/01/2009 at 05:32:16 AMNot only are fat brides forbidden but pretty much anyone who isn't on a diet. I got married in February and I admit I felt alot of that propaganda too, showing bare arms, must look good, must get skinny! However knowing that wasn't going to be healthy for me I did not act on it. I can't tell you how much better it felt allowing myself to eat whatever I want while still going to the stress of wedding planning. But as an ex bridal consultant I can tell you, from size 2's to 22's all of the ladies I helped gabbed about their arms, fitting into a dress that already fit and dieting. :(
Posted 06/01/2009 at 06:00:05 AMHear, hear. I got married in October and I kept the wedding as small and simple as possible, but I did cave into some pressure by having it at all (I would have eloped, but my parents freaked at that idea). I could gab for ages on all these points, but I like #4 and #1 the most.
Posted 06/01/2009 at 07:26:26 AMI think I heard somewhere (and this could totally be wrong) that the white wedding gown really just started as a fashion craze; Queen Victoria's wedding gown was white and it became the Victorian equivalent of the Jennifer Aniston-Friends haircut. Before that, people just wore whatever their most expensive dress was, no matter the color.
Also, I didn't get an engagement ring because I specifically said I didn't want one. My college roommate and I used to practically fly into fits of rage at any diamond commercial, particularly "Any kiss begins with Kay."
Yeah, see ladies, passing out at your wedding because you have been starving yourself for 6 weeks is waaaaay more attractive than those 10 extra pounds. And don't even get me started on the blood diamonds. I am one of those that thinks 99% of the wedding business is bullshit.... especially since not 100% of citizens in this country can get get married.... ok stepping off the soapbox now.
I am a huge fan of eloping!
Posted 06/01/2009 at 08:36:50 AMCouldn't agree more... mostly.
I did go to a bridal expo. And I wouldn't suggest anyone on a budget even bother getting vendor info. Only the most expensive folks pay for booths there.
But.
The Breast Cancer Society goes to those expos and has donated dresses at VERY good prices. Plus, I accidentally found my dress (I was trying on styles and was going to buy a custom-made dress on eBay where they're affordable) which was 50% off the regular price because it was a discontinued style.
And, yes, it was white. But you are totally right: Women should be allowed to wear whatever friggin color they want. I saw some GORGEOUS deep blue dresses. (My husband tried to convince me to try some on, since our wedding color was his favorite - royal blue. But that was after I already had the dress I wanted.)
Also, bridesmaid dresses. Are you f-ing kidding me?! $200 for a dress that then needs $100+ alterations?! AND the bridesmaids are expected to pay?!
We lucked out and royal blue was a popular color in fashion the year of our wedding. I still felt bad askign the girls to buy $60 dresses. We offered to help out one gal who only worked part-time but she shooed us away. The only one we got a bridesmaid dress for was the maid of honor, since she was a plus size and across the country in FL. Color matching would've been too hard. So we said: Go to David's Bridal, find a dress you like, get it in X color, have them call us and we'll give them the credit card info. (And, yes, when all was said and done the dress plus alterations was nearly $300. I paid $500 for my own dress.)
Posted 06/01/2009 at 12:04:17 PM