10 Women Who Need To Start Kicking Ass Again, Immediately
Posted at 5:00 AM Jun 23, 2009
By Jill Pantozzi, a.k.a. The Nerdy Bird
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When it comes to kicking ass, no one does it better than a woman. I mean really. As much as I love him, the Bruce Willises of the world are a dime a dozen and there's always going to be some hot up-and-coming male action star to keep the terrorists or aliens at bay. Wouldn't you prefer to watch someone like Kate Beckinsale or Angelina Jolie roundhouse kick well, anyone, in the face? I know I would, but for me it's not just the eye-candy factor, it's watching the "fairer sex" do something I've wanted to do for years now - beat some of the inhabitants of this world to a bloody pulp. Here are a few experts wasting their potential elsewhere who need to get back in the game immediately.
10. Sarah Michelle Gellar
She fought the forces of evil for seven years as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and what has she been doing since? Horror movies and voice acting. Oh, and playing a porn star. Come on, Gellar! You slayed Big Bad after Big Bad, why are you running upstairs to get away from various scary things? I know a Buffy movie is never going to happen but that doesn't mean you can't find some outlet for all that training. Not to mention it would be the perfect way to get back into shape after having that horrifically gorgeous child of yours.
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It's fair to say that no woman in all of history kicked more ass than Joan of Arc, so when Helen Slater stepped into a modern spin on the historical heroine in The Legend of Billie Jean, she had big shoes to fill and lots of hair to cut off. Just a simple country girl from Texas, Billie Jean won the hearts of American teens by looking hot, kneeing some guys in the nuts, and speaking her mind with a simple slogan: fair is fair. Of course one year earlier she scored an even more impressive role. While not everyone's favorite superhero imagining, Supergirl was the first and only time the iconic character was brought to the big screen. Stripped of her powers in the dark and dirty Phantom Zone, Supergirl showed-up her cousin by not only escaping but also overcoming magic. The creators of "Smallville" were definitely onto something when they cast Slater as Kal-El's mother Lara. Now, if we could just get her to display some of those classic Kryptonian powers again we'd be onto something.
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8. Jennifer Garner
Oh Jen, you're so cute. You're like the new Meg Ryan, Hollywood's veritable go-to girl for romantic comedies. Now don't get me wrong, you're great at it, but it's time to stop flashing those adorable dimples and pearly whites at Matthew McConaughey and start getting your teeth pulled out by maniacal Asian torture experts again. I'm sure Ben won't mind. Look, I know you've been burned, *cough*Elektra*cough,* but it doesn't always have to be like that. The amount of ass you've kicked is almost equal to the amount of costume changes you had in five seasons of Alias. Why stop now? You know you love it.
7. Elizabeth Taylor
Not all ass-kicking involves karate and guns. There've been a host of strong female character actresses from the bygone era - Katharine Hepburn, Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, just to name a few - but Elizabeth Taylor had the world wrapped around her little finger no matter what she did. As Cleopatra she stood strong against the Roman Empire, setting the standard for international intrigue. Thinking back, she was probably the first beautiful female in Hollywood to take on a "make me ugly on purpose" role in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? I would not want to spend a drunken night alone with that woman. And let's not forget she originated the role of devilish Helena Cassadine on "General Hospital." Nothing like a curse on your wedding day to ensure a long, happy life together Luke and Laura! Damn, that shit worked. Granted, she's like 112 now, but I think she's still got one great role left in her. No? Ok, maybe not.
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6. Carrie-Anne Moss
"Dodge this." With those choice words the Wachowskis sealed Carrie-Anne Moss' fate as one tough action hero. She took to bullet-time like a fish to water. Kung-fu? She knows that and a hell of a lot more. Moss pushed herself so hard training for the Matrix films that some days she couldn't walk, other days she literally broke bones. Even though many came before her, Trinity will go down in history as one of the most memorable female action movie characters, not to mention an icon of the domme community. While I'd be scared out of my mind to go toe-to-toe with Trinity it would be equally as frightening to go up against her character Natalie from 2000's Memento. You may recall this particularly saucy dialogue, "Maybe your cunt of a fucking wife sucked one too many diseased cocks and turned you into a fucking retard." Please don't hurt me.
Comments
Thanks for the post and the reminder that there are a lot of bad-ass women out there. On that note, here's a plea to stop using the term "gypped" (see #3: She-Ra). While probably not intentional on your part, most of the evidence out there points to "gypped" and its various forms as being a racial slur derived from Gypsy. And while Gypsy itself isn't the most sensitive word, it's still the most common one used to describe a fairly large culture of people. So...no good standing up for one group of marginalized people while putting down another.
Posted 06/23/2009 at 07:05:22 AMSpeaking of She-Ra, there's another toon lady of the 80's that needs to kick ass again...JEM!
Posted 06/23/2009 at 10:17:06 AMJem sang, wrote songs, ran a girl's orphanage, managed a music business, took care of her 3 sisters, had a great boyfriend, stood up to The Misfits, had cool adventures, traveled the world, and looked good doing it! Sisters are doing for themselves!
Just kidding! Keep up the great work.
Hilarious!
I grew up watching Xena re-runs. I never knew there was a hole in my heart until right now. Thanks, Jill.
Posted 06/23/2009 at 11:45:23 AMMy Sarah Michelle Gellar fix is so not sated by these roles she's taken of late. I even tried to watch a couple of her older films ("Simply Irresistable" was sorta cute, but avoid like the plague the film where she co-stars with Alec Baldwin. I have lobotomized my brain of the experience and can't even remember the title) but I thankfully have all seven seasons of BtVS on DVD (except I'm still missing season 7, Geoff!) to satisfy my jones. Have you heard the news about this new project: Buffy without Buffy??... but I'll probably still watch it.
Posted 06/23/2009 at 01:35:39 PMDear Blue,
Posted 06/23/2009 at 02:43:42 PMI would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Love, Mary
All of these women are awesome and I agree with you completely with regard to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Garner. I could never buy SMG in those "scary" movies like The Grudge. JG is good in romantic comedies, but I'd like to see her hit someone again. Maybe they can do a mash up, Rimbaldi is really a vampire and both have to work together to stop the end of the world. sigh!!!
Posted 06/23/2009 at 03:59:18 PMI'd like to add Kristen Bell! She sure kicked a lot of ass as Veronica Mars, but sadly hasn't kicked much since then.
Posted 06/23/2009 at 04:40:38 PMI absolutely considered Jem for my list. I still have those dolls in my closet too...
Glad I could put a hole in your heart Sebastian! If you'd like another I've heard I'm also very talented at breakups.
Anna, I'll watch anything about Buffy no matter what but I do think the whole remake/revamp (ha ha) is a strange idea.
Posted 06/23/2009 at 11:25:16 PMPrincess Xena, my personal favorite... when we do see her in a full-fledged feature films as the lead, she deserves that before she moves to the senior crowd.
Posted 06/24/2009 at 12:03:52 AMÇómícólógÝ
Mary-
I assume you don't really mean that. Let me know if I'm wrong.
I'm sorry, but if she had used the N word and I objected, would you have had a problem with that? If she had said "Jewed" instead of "gypped" and I objected, would you have had a problem with that? I fail to see the difference.
What's the point of sticking up for women while furthering racism?
Posted 06/24/2009 at 07:24:32 AMNo Sigourney Weaver? Too badass to be listed?
Posted 06/24/2009 at 08:10:45 AMI may be mistaken here Blue but I think Mary was agreeing with you. Nevertheless, for the record, I did not know that's where the word came from. I actually spelled it, gipped and Word corrected me. I went, "huh, like Gypsy? that's weird." and kept going. I've only ever heard it in context with a kid not getting what he wanted for Christmas.
Allyson, Kristin Bell was kicking ass on Heroes recently!
You know darrylayo, I thought about Weaver but then I thought about Alien Ressurection and thought maybe it best to let things lie...
Posted 06/24/2009 at 10:58:13 AMMary, sorry if I jumped to conclusions. I don't know why I assumed you were being snarky - perhaps that's me getting all comment-section jaded.
Jill, thanks again for your post, and your comment.
Posted 06/24/2009 at 12:28:01 PMI really enjoyed this article! As a Gen-X guy who still has a couple of pictures of Xena and Buffy on my wall, I totally agree with your choices. I want to see more women kicking ass on the big screen!
Posted 06/24/2009 at 08:11:58 PMman, i loved Alias soooo much. Jen kicked so much ass, and did a bunch of her own stunts and was just so awesome. Damn the Affleck spawn (i only partially mean this, all the pics i have seen of them, they look really happy, and her kids are adorable!).
But PLEASE Jen, less rom-com (tho she is hilarious) and MORE ASSKICKERY.
Posted 06/25/2009 at 07:05:17 AMYeh you are right to say that Milla hasn't stop kicking ass. I hear she does it just picking up her laundry. Well if you let those dry cleaners walk all over you...
Posted 06/26/2009 at 08:32:43 AMI think we should also include Pam Grier, if anyone still remembered her. =)
Posted 06/27/2009 at 05:58:48 AM