Ladies of the world: do not tell me how big your vagina is

Posted at 1:00 PM May 15, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

Ladies of the world,

Your vaginae are wonderful, magical places of wonderful magic. They can do so many things, from sexing to babies to bleeding profusely! Yay, vaginae! So please don't think what I'm about to ask of you stems in any way from fear or disgust regarding the vagina. But we have really, really got to address this again:

When you give birth, do not update your Facebook status with information regarding the extent of your vaginal dilation.

I know you're the first and only person ever to have a baby and it's so amazing and miraculous. I get it. I also get how birth works, and while I could imagine your little Cabbage Patcher squeezing through your ladyhole, I chose not to. So please don't force me into the visual by invading my Facebook homepage with things like "Kayla is at 8cm!! TIME TO START PUSHING!" Do you even realize how many wacky cat videos I have to watch to get that picture out of my head?



Kris said:

What, is she holding that in the hospital bed? Do they have a rescue plan for when she starts crushing things and screaming "GIVE ME MORE MORPHINE!", or is the phone already considered gone?

Paul said:

You think that's bad...

Wait until they start filling their posts with naked baby pictures.

"It's not that I don't like you, but before 8 AM if I load up my friends page and see a picture of your 3 month old kid's dick, you're off the list."

Anicena said:

Amen girl... amen...

Kayla said:

... I'm not pregnant!
And I also hate those visuals. As well as with Paul's comment. My cousin did both. I still haven't talked to her. The kid's nine months old, and she STILL thinks she's the first to ever have a baby and that she's the be all and end all on medical advice on how it relates to pregnancy (she thinks everything's pregnancy related. Cut on the finger? Sign that it's a boy! or something or other equal lameness.)

Brad said:

That status update just might be the epitome of the over share.

JennK said:

Ok, just a small nitpick. Dilation doesn't actually refer to the size of a woman's vagina. It refers to how much a woman's cervix has opened.

I'm done, and point taken.

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