Top 10 Crimes Committed Against Womanity By Zombies, Ghosts and Other Ethereal Beings

Posted at 5:00 AM Apr 28, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

It's not like anybody expects anything great out of the undead--okay, maybe an eternal life-extending nibble--but sometimes, ethereal beings can be downright cruel. And yea, hath the ladies suffered mightily at the hand of many a hateful ghost, zombie and/or Hollywood film studio looking to make a buck off a tortured gal or fifty. Here are the ten worst crimes committed against womanity by beings that are not of this world.

10. Zombie Strippers

As if the toxic plasticity of the modern stripper stereotype wasn't scary enough, these strippers are also mildly interested in eating your brains. The virus that infects the X-chromosome in Zombie Strippers is clearly a misogynistic jerkwad. Of course, by the looks of it, the guys don't fare so well, either.

9. Ghost: it's not romantic, it's creepy

Patrick Swayze's afterlife-challenged soul pines creepily over a distraught Demi Moore who doesn't exactly look like she needs one more thing to be neurotic about. Luckily the motherly black figure was around to help the little white girl sort everything out! This movie also owes an apology to the Righteous Brothers. And to the field of special effects, generally speaking.

8. The cancellation of Dead Like Me

Dead Like Me's clever premise, dynamic female grim reaper leads and wry sense of dark, deathly humor made it a great watch. So naturally, it was canceled. A crime, we cry, a crime! Oh well, at least we have straight-to-DVD films to look forward to.

Not only did Peach have to prance around in that impractical dress, she also couldn't get a moment's rest from skeevbag Bowser, who got off on making her move to a different castle every time Mario got close to rescuing her. Also, where is our awesome game wherein Princess Peach devises her own escape plan? Girl, you got the short end of the Mario Bros. stick.

6. Anything that ever happened to any woman during any moment of The Hills Have Eyes franchise, including script writing, production, post production, the fact that I'm even thinking about this, etc.

Hey, if you're into graphic, inbred rape/birth scenes, THHE is the franchise for you. It's the McDonalds of don't-ever-show-me-anything-like-this-again-DAMMIT. I guess I'm not super clear about whether the "hillbillies" are actual ethereal beings, but I'll be damned if they can be called human. I feel obligated to put this clip here, but really, just skip it.

5. Creepy dolls, why you gotta be so creepy?

There is a time in every little girl's life when she realizes that dolls are more than just fun to play with: they are also going to come eat her in the middle of the night! Thanks for being creepy, dolls, and ruining playtime and grandma's house forever.