Soap Box: They're Creepy and They're Kooky, Mysterious and Spooky

Posted at 6:00 AM Apr 16, 2009

By Kathleen Willcox

Did you ever have a week in which every abominable, irritating, creepy and vaguely menacing individual you've known since middle school emerges from their little corner of the primordial ooze to taunt and badger you? Long forgotten feuds, co-workers from a half page past on your resume, long-lost third cousins and deadbeat neighbors of your 9th-grade soccer team captain, Betsy, all come knocking at your (usually virtual) door at once with various and sundry inappropriate requests and demands, sending you (if you're me) running for the sweet relief of your daytime stories.

This week, unfortunately, there was no relief from the ick on the idiot box. In fact, my favorite soaps seemed to be brewing up a veritable bubble bath of scummy behavior, making the bizarre blasts from the past I've been contending with look like kitten confetti in comparison.

To wit:

EVIL RAPIST KIDNAPPERS FROM YE OLDE FRAT HOUSE
On One Life to Live, Zach, is back in town to glean money from the poster child for unsavory ruffians everywhere, Todd. While both were responsible in some way for Marty's rape, Zach can't let go of the fact that he spent several years in prison while Todd lived "the good life" on the outside. Looks like it could be back to the big house for Zach-he's kidnapped Cole and Starr! Genius move, Zach. (And, natch, the freakazoid employed the uber-spooky/cheesy line "Twinkle, twinkle, little Starr" when Todd's daughter entered the room before launching his evil, sure-to-fail revenge plot).

HE STALKS, HE BALKS ... HE'S ... GROOMZILLA!
I love it when typical gender roles are given the ol' fliparoo, but this is taking it a bit far. On Days of Our Lives, E.J. has donned his princess wedding tiara and he's not going to give it up without a fight (preferably with a lot of biting and scratching)! (Never mind the fact that his bride-to-be's fam won't be attending the festivities, she's a lying sociopath and drunk and baby snatcher oh my). But like a heavily medicated David's Bridal model, E.J. is in Zombie mode, alternatively accusing Nicole of harboring feelings for other men, pledging his undying devotion to her bleach-blond behind, flipping his overheated lid when she, er, switches pediatricians without telling him, and threatening to "call the whole thing off!" unless he gets his fancy pink ballerina way RIGHT NOW!

RAIDERS OF THE BURIED SKELETON
We all have 'em, and that goes double for soap stars--quadruple if you're Erica on All My Children. David is now dangling the fact that he "saved" Kendall and Ian in front of her frozen-in-horror (not Botox! not Botox!) face and brandishing an unnamed, filthy skeleton from her past as blackmail for the D.L. on Adam. Erica, spineless as always in the face of personal humiliation, immediately gives up the goods, spilling that Krystal and Adam had recently had it out, with Adam emerging from the tussle in victory. David intimated that he isn't done with Erica yet ....

Hey, soap opera writers! How about giving us some love next week? Literally! A few plots that involve bodice ripping/galloping on white steeds down abandoned, strangely rose-strewn beaches/fruity drinks? Spring break! Spring break!