Soap Box: Oh Noes. Trouble in Paradise on ATWT

Posted at 7:00 AM Apr 09, 2009

By Kathleen Willcox

I don't know about ya'll, but this week has been a doozie for me. But Thursday is here, the long weekend (yay Easter/Passover/Other Relevant Religious Rituals Occurring This Weekend That Tangentially Involve Stuffing Massive Amounts of Food and Candy Into My Mouth) is nigh, and the soaps are here to scrub away any remaining icky bits of stress and grime benumbing my addled mind. So hey, if you think your relationship is hitting the skids, join me, flop back and flip on the idiot box for a little dramatic relief.

This week, I'm turning to As the World Turns, the hookup dysfunction junction du jour.

And ZOMG you guys. Just when things were looking up for young, tragically embattled lovebirds Parker and Liberty (after their attempt to run away to Cali was stymied by their meddling folks, Parker found out that if he got hitched, he'd finally have access to his trust fund), their relationship, financial status and future as an uber-couple are in serious jeopardy!

First, let's back up a sec. When the P-man found out that marriage was the ticket to an Easy Street paved in gold, he immediately proposed to Liberty, as one does, when one is a greedy, narcissistic bastard. She accepted, as one does, when one is desperate for love no matter how polluted the source. A judge gave them the go-ahead to get hitched, despite their tender ages (Parker's 16, she's 17).

But, alas, the temporary bliss that only cold hard cash and model good looks can buy has been cruelly shattered by "reality." After spending a honeymoon totally penniless (it's complicated), the gruesome twosome needed cash - bad (how else to maintain their illusory bliss)? So Parker steals a wad o' green, almost goes on trial for robbery, gets the charges dropped, gets Craig appointed as his trustee so he can access his cash (a plan that royally backfires; Craig refuses to give up the goods when Parker requests access to his millions) ... and the gruesome teenage twosome move in together (finally!) in Milltown. Let's just say their first weeks of living together haven't exactly been filled with the nubile bliss fairy tales and rom-coms are made of.

Crazy coinkydinks aside, Parker's selfish, combative streak is threatening to slash the already partially tattered blue skies of their felicity like an unexpected thunderstorm over a no-rain-date picnic in the park. I know, it's totally shocking that a 16-year-old dude with a (frozen) trust fund would attempt to cruelly assert control over his new bride who he married, evidently, for his money, not her honey.

There is NO WAY this marriage is going to work for more than five minutes unless Parker gets his cash money - and Craig is a tough nut to crack. He gave Liberty a little tour of a local college campus as a way of reminding her of what she'd be missing out on if she stays strapped to her increasingly mendacious ball and chain.

Whew! That was a workout. If you need me I'll be in the kitchen treating myself to some Cadbury Cream Eggs.