Answer me this: is the early morn sneak-out an urban sex legend?

Posted at 10:09 AM Apr 03, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

Drinks. More drinks. Making out in the bar. Stumbling home with new make-out partner. Sexytime. Passing out. Doing the drunk 6:00 a.m. wakeup. Sneaking out before they realize you're gone.

It's the Early Morning Post-Sex Sneak-Out, and like pleated khaki pants, I just plain don't believe in it for one second. But it's been advancing television and movie plots since we got over putting Rob and Laura in separate beds and started acknowledging the fact that adults get it on. Even some of my favorite shows rely on it. Berger ditches Carrie on a Post-It note that she didn't wake up and hear him slap on her computer screen. On Sports Night, Casey totally peaces out on Sally after a rendezvous, not even hanging around to dig his shirt out from under the bed, or wherever.

There might be a few times that you're so drunk--or drugged--that you don't hear Mr. or Mrs. Right Now roll out of bed, dig through a dark room for his or her clothing, stumble through your house and open and shut the front door without locking it. But as a reliable plot device, I'm calling bullshit. Pretending to be asleep to avoid the awkward conversation: I can get behind it. But actually being asleep? No way.

What say you, guys and dolls? Is it actually possible to slip out before your latest mistake wakes up?


chad said:

yep. Done it. At least once. You tag a cougar hard enough and they stay groggy for hours. But those days are behind me now.

andrea said:

So, would you say that if the person in question was not completely hammer-drunk and "tagged," as you say, it would be logistically more difficult or even impossible to do?

Kris said:

Depends. I'm a pretty heavy sleeper. My girlfriend gets up, feeds the cats (one of whom is fed in the room) turns on lights, gets dressed, and goes to work without me ever noticing some mornings.

andrea said:

Kris -

See, that I can understand. It's part of the routine. You know she's there, and you know the deal. I would think that having a stranger rummage around your place would be slightly more alarming.


oh how I love to quibble.

chad said:


I will confirm a portion of your hypothesis. For the coyote creep to work at all, your partner's guard must be down. Either through alcohol, physical exhaustion, or the comfort of familiarity.

But it dows work.

And, really, if you're in bed with this person without any judgment-altering external factors, what are the odds you're going to *want* to sneak out, anyway?

Brian said:

It may happen, but the only way to know for sure is if you have had it done to you, not if you think you've done it to someone else. Because, how would you know? No one has done it to me, but they may think they did.

Chad said:

Brian -

There is another way to know. You start getting phone calls from friends because your mark has started a game of "Six Degrees-of-Who-Pulled-a-Nail-n-Bail?" to find you.


Getting dressed silently in the dark is all about how you got undressed. Put everything in a neat pile and tuck the socks and underwear in a pocket before you throw down. Pants-leg-shoe, pants-leg-shoe, pull on your shirt and you're gone.

Brian said:

Chad- A good point, though that could also happen because of other motivations. But as you stated, the other person would have to be pretty out of it. And if you are tucking your socks and underwear into your pocket ahead of time as an exit strategy? That level of premeditation suggests something other than a drunken hookup. I don't think the post was intended to address that particular scenario.

andrea said:

"And if you are tucking your socks and underwear into your pocket ahead of time as an exit strategy? That level of premeditation suggests something other than a drunken hookup."

Laughing out loud, hard. Comment o' the day.

David said:

Hmmm. You know, I don't have enough experience in this particular subject.

Let me "bone up" on it this weekend.

james said:

for sure u know when they r sneaking away. means that they woke up realized FUCK! this person is UGLY?? OR WHATEVER AND SO GOTS TO SNEAK OUT BYE BYE

andrea said:

Maybe I spoke too soon about that whole comment o' the day thing ... James is quite eloquent.

Susan said:

Wow, James. You sound just like my friend Mark when he is pretending to be a lolcat.

RB said:

I've never snuck out while the other person was asleep, but I have managed to get dressed, gather my shiz, and sneak out in under a minute while a guy was in the shower, though. It SEEMED pretty damn stealth at the time...

chad said:

Rachel? Is that you? I thought we had something....

Marlena said:

Yes ma'am. I've done it, but only once to a guy. I've never had it done to me, but it could definitely be done. I'm a wicked heavy sleeper.

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