10 Tweets My Vagina Would Twitter

Posted at 5:00 AM Apr 07, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

If Diddy and Heidi Montag can invade thousands of Twitter feeds a day with their praise-Jebus posturing and total disregard for accepted conventions of the English language--really, Diddy, 'Today l be better than yesterday!!! Let's go!'?--I figure my ladyparts deserve their own time in the Twitlight. Especially since, as The Onion so hilariously illustrated recently, we're a society terrified of actually talking about vaginas. But are we also scared of talking vaginas? Let's see: here's what she'd say if my twat was a-Twitter ... in 140 characters or less, of course.*

*Quit reading now, Mom and Dad. Also anyone who used to attend church with me. Also grandma. Also future employers.

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just met @boyfriendspenis after drinks on the east side ... kinda pushy, but overall I think he's someone I'm really going to like being around.


@brain pearl applicator? not even close to being worth the extra $2. consider buying CVS brand tamps, using savings to buy non-Bic razors.



@nylonpanties no, eff YOU, smothering bitch!


ugh. @uterus feels like it's totally fine to just unload all over me, and I'm like, I do NOT want to hear that, but she's like, entitled.


oooooooooh yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes want want want want want yes yes yes yes yes mmmhmmm LEFT LEFT LEFT yes yes yes yes yes


hey! hey! HEY! that's not me! that's NOT me! wrong ... ooooooh. well. okay. yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.


has anyone seen @gspot ??????????  


@birthcontrolpills besties! <3


does anyone smell popcorn?


@breasts are we destined to forever work in tandem and yet never meet? i sure hope so.


Kris said:

Started drinking early today, did we?

GG said:

I am now following @yourvagina :D

funny as hell!

andrea said:

Kris - Actually, this is what happens after two days of me being sober. (It's a financial issue.) Terrifying.

GG - thanks! @myvagina is pumped.

merritt said:

#2 made me spit my water out, but #8 is definitely my favorite.

David said:

I can't tell if this story is awesomely cool.....or awesomely frightening.

It has been stated that women are smarter than men, and that must be true because my penis can only twitter about three different things.

JC said:

Who says chicks aren't funny? This post made me strong laugh. Especially #10.

andrea said:

Thanks, JC. And "strong laugh" is my new LOL.

Kayla said:


I'm totally following @hdvagina now.

andrea said:

You're welcome, everyone:


Jill aka The Nerdy Bird said:

This post = the best.

"I think he's someone I'm really going to like being around." Christ, that's amazing.

Xerv said:


Beth said:

Oh my God too freaking hilarious. Because of this post- from this point forward, when I'm invited to a party, wedding-anything, I'm RSVPing myself and my vagina.

CORI said:

Too freaking funny! Thanks for the laugh! :)

Cat said:

I loved this!! My @prettypinkparts thank you!!
(I made that up...I am really @aminorml)

Elle said:

OMG, that is Hilarious... I totally just spit out a bit of coffee laughing so hard!!

Mike said:

VERY cute. Say, shouldn't that be Twatlight?

Chuck_U_Farley said:

"Oooh Oooh -- Get the F*** out!

@someGuy said:

@mypenis Number 5 is #funny. Sorry, @myvagina, had somthing in my one eye. Hope you're not jealous of @uranus and me.

kiki said:

one of the funniest things i've read. you have a new fan.

John said:

Oh fantiastic! Of course many frat boys at MIT have penises which can twitter, but as we all know, the bloggin force behind them all is their www.testicles/blogspot.com

连锁 said:

course many frat boys at MIT have penises which can twitter, but as we all know,

Mr. Obvious said:

It's ironic, since most twitter users are dicks.

Alex said:


Pass by my house in St.Maarten, i would provide a lot of drinks my friend after this, you deserve it :)

Dominique said:

Just produced Vagina Monologues at school. You should send this to Eve Ensler. Maybe she'll put it in one of her upcoming shows.

sashaisme said:

I don't get #2. Can someone explain?

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