Top Ten Best Responses to "When Are You Having a Baby?"

Posted at 5:00 AM Mar 30, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu

First up, let me say that I loooove babies, and the Mister and me are thinking about spawning at some point in the near future.  But that doesn't stop me from bristling a little at the questions that seem to come with being a childless woman in her 30s (gasp).  Whether it's a relative bluntly asking, "So when are you having a kid?" to a coworker who (no joke) put her hand on my belly and said, "When are we putting putting a baby in there?"  (Uh, we won't be doing anything together, freaky lady!), it truly does seem like people don't know how to mind their own business.  So here are the best responses I could come up with when faced with this tiresome question.  I think they could work whether you want to breed or not.

10. As soon as I get off the crack.

"When are you having a baby?"

"Oh, as soon as I get off the crack.  I've heard it's very bad for babies when their mothers are addicted to street drugs, so I'm working really hard to clean up before trying to conceive.  Of course, I figure once a week won't be toooo bad.  I mean, it's crack, not crystal meth, right?"

9. Oh, are you interested in buying one?

"When are you having a baby?"

are you interested in buying one?  Because I'm fresh out and probably
won't have a new supply for several months.  But my neighbor down the
street just had one, I think.  I'm sure she's willing to accept below
market with the economy being what it is.  Do you have a good realtor? 
I could give you some names."

8. I'm waiting for the Angel Gabriel to come down and let me know.

"When are you having a baby?"

I'm waiting for the Angel Gabriel to come down and let me know.  You
see, I believe that I am a holy vessel who will carry the second coming
of Jesus Christ here on Earth.  In fact, I'm even starting my own
religion.  Would you like me to tell you about it?"

7. I'm not sure.  Actually, could you remind me again how babies are made?  I forgot.

"When are you having a baby?"

I don't know.  This is so embarrassing, but could you remind me again
how babies are made?  I forgot.  Oh, you don't have to get
uncomfortable.  I'm not.  I really want to know.  Here, let's sit
down.  I have a pad of paper and a pen if you want to draw some
diagrams.  I think that could really help me.  Thank you so much."

6. I'm actually pregnant with puppies right now.  Isn't that wild?

"When are you having a baby?"

I'm actually pregnant with puppies right now.  I know, isn't it totally
wild?  We think it's dachshunds, but of course my husband and I are
crossing our fingers for some lab mixes.  I can feel them kicking and
yipping it up in there.  Oh my God, now one of them is chasing his
tail.  So cute.  Wanna feel?"


Grace said:


Anonymous said:

Amen, sista!

MyNoNos said:

That is hilarious!!!
Good good stuff!

Sarah said:

OMG, I should totally use these! I'm soooo tired of people asking and when i tell them my husband and i have decided not to have kids, they argue with us. That crack one should really get 'em goin!

messycovers said:

This is the best top ten EVAH!

Vince said:

This is a really funny top ten list, #4 is my favorite. What about, when I find out who the daddy is?" You can post this to our site and then link back to your site. We are looking for top ten lists and our users can track back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.

The WolfMan said:

#5 is the best. I've used a variation of that line before when I was annoyed at the person.

"So, when are you gonna settle down and have some kids?"
"Funny story, after I met your little rat bastard of a kid I decided to get a vasectomy."

tiff said:

these just might keep me from punching out the next person who asks me.

mizzlizz said:

This is the best list EVER! I am SO going to use these the next time someone asks me about having babies. Especially #5. And #10. And #1. ;-)

Isa said:

These are awesome, but my standard response is a simple, "Never."

Chrys said:

OMG I think this will save some lives since I can use a snappy comeback or two and avoid having to commit murder the next time the BF's family asks. Thanks for the laughs! :D

rossy said:

ooh, i tought this question was bad, wait till you actually get pregnant - pple will give you lectures and advice all the time, nomatter what and not to menion the crazyness of touching your belly. A magazine suggested you just smile and say "it's my turn now" when a stranger trys to rub your belly. Couldnt believe anyone would ever do sucha thing but i sure needed it more than once....

good luck :)

Tina said:

My reply: "Since I was gang-raped with a broken Coke bottle when I was 11, my 'insides are kinda tore up'(make tummy-rubbing gesture and pained facial expression during this part) the doctor says I won't be able to have any babies." Of course this is totally untrue, but the look of abject horror (as well as slamming shut that subject for future discussion) is well worth my impending trip to hell.

Michelle said:

I like just a simple: "I can't bear children." They'll think you're infertile and feel like an asshole. But it's the honest truth if you can't stand rugrats.

Ceilia said:

Oh that was wonderful!!
Have a great life!!

Raunnie said:

I stumbled upon this post this morning as I was finishing last nights beer, having a wake&bake and had a chuckle, thanks!

Meilleur site poker said:

I love babies !

Никита said:

Спасибо. Давно такое искал :)

Астрономия said:

Занятную тему для вордпресса поставили. Сами делали или стандартную какую брали? :)

Cherries Davis said:

How bout 'As soon as your boyfriend/lover/husband knocks me up? And he'll be home late this Thursday, just FYI...and as far as the belly touching creepiness, the touchee should proceed to rifle around in the touchers' purse, lift up her skirt or down her shirt...all while asking how SHE feels when her personal space is violated by a stranger...them byotches are creepy...

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