Ladies of the world: do not exchange your breasts for beads!

Posted at 6:36 AM Mar 17, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

I started seeing bead stands about fifty miles out from the beach, Mexican guys hanging out the backs of pick-ups selling knock-off purses, too. Of course, they got more expensive the closer I got to South Padre Island. Back in Los Fresnos, I could have gotten a dozen for $4. But by Laguna Vista, they wanted $6 and $8! Somehow, it didn't occur to me that I could get them for free.

Well, it did occur to me, but not until I pulled into my campsite alongside 20,000 of my closest 19-year-old friends. Hey, everybody! Haven't seen you guys since I was puking Smirnoff Ice in gutters and listening to Coheed and Cambria. What have you been up to? Keystone Light? A fine choice, my friends. A fine choice. With lime! I do say, sir, you do Iowa State proud. I shall write a letter!

Beads are maybe the saddest thing I can think of when it comes to spring break. And believe you me, there is plenty to find sad about spring break, the air of drunken, horny desperation not being the least of it. In South Padre Island this week, there is absolutely no one who wants to have sex who is not having sex.

Which brings me to this: ladies of the world, do not exchange your breasts for beads! You think I'm going to make the sulky grown-up feminist argument, which is to insist that boys need not be taught, at age 19, that they can do so little as throwing beads at a woman and receive what amounts to sexual favors in return. I will not talk about your false, liberated, Girls Gone Wild consciousness--let Ariel Levy do that. No, my argument is more timely: breasts for beads does not make good economic sense!

It's before 9:00 a.m. here in SoPadre, and there's a Bloody Mary somewhere around here with my name on it, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't dig into this metaphor properly, but go with me. Beads for breasts is like our fair country's current economic crisis. Somebody was all, oh, can I have something for nothing ... say, these multi-colored, shiny beads? And somebody else was all, OH SHINY BEADS! And they gave them houses they couldn't afford and now we're all screwed and nobody even really got laid, they just saw boobs for a minute. Do you see what I'm saying here, people?

Let him buy you an $18 hurricane with a twisty straw. Insist that he share a plate of boneless wings! But do not, under any circumstances, loan anything (read: your boobs) to someone who is not financially secure. How can you tell? Check out his flops. If he's wearing Rainbows instead of rubber, he may qualify for a loan. If he's drinking Corona instead of Natty, it may be an indication of sounder judgment. And finally, remember this: when you get home, those beads will not match anything you own. Nothing goes with shiny, multicolored beads--except maybe chlamydia.


Susan said:

UM, how is it even possible for you to reference Keystone Light, Iowa State, and Coheed and Cambria in the same blog post??? QUIT READING MY DIARY, ANDREA GRIMES. Also, I totalz wish I was there because I speak fluent Iowan. Ask them about the butter cow.

Bob said:

Ignoring my initial reaction to the title this article was very amusing. Also, I was unaware that there existed a brand of flip flops that could make me appear a better person, so thank you for that.

Dr. Drunk Dial said:


The butter cow is Illinois jackass

Lshygirl5 said:

I had to read Female Chauvinist Pigs for a class last year and loved it, so I was so excited that you included it here! I have to encourage everyone to buy it because after reading it I was able to finally explain to all of the girls who argue that women who have sex like men are feminists that they are in fact, not feminists. I hated the class, but I kept the book and didn't sell it back, which is rare for a broke college kid like me.

bobby said:

@ Dr Drunk Dial is the jackass

© 2014 Village Voice Media Holdings, LLC. All Rights Reserved. | Privacy Policy