Posted at 6:36 AM Mar 17, 2009By Andrea Grimes
Well, it did occur to me, but not until I pulled into my campsite alongside 20,000 of my closest 19-year-old friends. Hey, everybody! Haven't seen you guys since I was puking Smirnoff Ice in gutters and listening to Coheed and Cambria. What have you been up to? Keystone Light? A fine choice, my friends. A fine choice. With lime! I do say, sir, you do Iowa State proud. I shall write a letter!
Beads are maybe the saddest thing I can think of when it comes to spring break. And believe you me, there is plenty to find sad about spring break, the air of drunken, horny desperation not being the least of it. In South Padre Island this week, there is absolutely no one who wants to have sex who is not having sex.
Which brings me to this: ladies of the world, do not exchange your breasts for beads! You think I'm going to make the sulky grown-up feminist argument, which is to insist that boys need not be taught, at age 19, that they can do so little as throwing beads at a woman and receive what amounts to sexual favors in return. I will not talk about your false, liberated, Girls Gone Wild consciousness--let Ariel Levy do that. No, my argument is more timely: breasts for beads does not make good economic sense!
It's before 9:00 a.m. here in SoPadre, and there's a Bloody Mary somewhere around here with my name on it, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't dig into this metaphor properly, but go with me. Beads for breasts is like our fair country's current economic crisis. Somebody was all, oh, can I have something for nothing ... say, these multi-colored, shiny beads? And somebody else was all, OH SHINY BEADS! And they gave them houses they couldn't afford and now we're all screwed and nobody even really got laid, they just saw boobs for a minute. Do you see what I'm saying here, people?
Let him buy you an $18 hurricane with a twisty straw. Insist that he share a plate of boneless wings! But do not, under any circumstances, loan anything (read: your boobs) to someone who is not financially secure. How can you tell? Check out his flops. If he's wearing Rainbows instead of rubber, he may qualify for a loan. If he's drinking Corona instead of Natty, it may be an indication of sounder judgment. And finally, remember this: when you get home, those beads will not match anything you own. Nothing goes with shiny, multicolored beads--except maybe chlamydia.