Posted at 5:00 AM Mar 03, 2009
By Andrea Grimes
Every date has that moment, that magical moment, during which everything changes. I'm not talking about the romantic comedy moment, when things click and you fake an orgasm at the diner. I'm talking about the moment when you realize that the check cannot come fast enough. Here are 10 actual quotes from actual dates I have actually been on, during which I knew I would be willing to pick up the entire tab as long as it meant getting out of there fast.
10. "I really think the band is going to make it this year."
No, the fact that he was a 30-year-old bartender working for cash under the table didn't turn me off. Neither did the fact that he'd been wearing the same jeans for days. Neither did the fact that he slept in a twin bed in a house with five other people. But I realized, at this moment, that "this" year meant there was a "last" year, and probably some years before that, when the band also was not making it. And maybe there was a reason why: suckage.
9. "Here's a 25-minute story about the Meetup.com group I started."
I downed two beers over the course of the tale. He had two sips of his.
8. "I'd like to send you some of my fiction."
Oh, good. You like stories. Here's one: Andrea goes on a date with dude who writes mermaid erotica and never talks to him again.
7. "I thought I saw my ex just now. She'd be here all RAAAAAAANGH *mimics knife stabbing, Psycho style*"
I wish we'd seen your ex just now. Then I could ask her what the hell is wrong with you instead of sitting here stirring this Chai Tea Latte and assuming it was some kind of childhood head injury.
6. "John McCain is the man."
Now, if you mean to say that John McCain is "a" man, I can hardly quibble. Technically speaking, I think we can assume that to be true. And if you mean to say that John McCain is "The Man," as in, part of the terrifying conservative machine, then yes, I'm on board. But sir, if you mean John McCain is the man, as in, your homeboy, then I'm just going to have to get this meal to go.