10 Actual Quotes From Actual Dates I Have Actually Been On

Posted at 5:00 AM Mar 03, 2009

By Andrea Grimes


Every date has that moment, that magical moment, during which everything changes. I'm not talking about the romantic comedy moment, when things click and you fake an orgasm at the diner. I'm talking about the moment when you realize that the check cannot come fast enough. Here are 10 actual quotes from actual dates I have actually been on, during which I knew I would be willing to pick up the entire tab as long as it meant getting out of there fast.

10. "I really think the band is going to make it this year."
No, the fact that he was a 30-year-old bartender working for cash under the table didn't turn me off. Neither did the fact that he'd been wearing the same jeans for days. Neither did the fact that he slept in a twin bed in a house with five other people. But I realized, at this moment, that "this" year meant there was a "last" year, and probably some years before that, when the band also was not making it. And maybe there was a reason why: suckage.

9. "Here's a 25-minute story about the Meetup.com group I started."
I downed two beers over the course of the tale. He had two sips of his.

8. "I'd like to send you some of my fiction."
Oh, good. You like stories. Here's one: Andrea goes on a date with dude who writes mermaid erotica and never talks to him again.


7. "I thought I saw my ex just now. She'd be here all RAAAAAAANGH *mimics knife stabbing, Psycho style*"
I wish we'd seen your ex just now. Then I could ask her what the hell is wrong with you instead of sitting here stirring this Chai Tea Latte and assuming it was some kind of childhood head injury.

6. "John McCain is the man."
Now, if you mean to say that John McCain is "a" man, I can hardly quibble. Technically speaking, I think we can assume that to be true. And if you mean to say that John McCain is "The Man," as in, part of the terrifying conservative machine, then yes, I'm on board. But sir, if you mean John McCain is the man, as in, your homeboy, then I'm just going to have to get this meal to go.


Bob said:

Is 'toothbrush in my toothbrush holder' a euphemism or did he actually do that? A girl invited me back for coffee and i assumed that we would have coffee and then see what happened. What actually happened was she handed me a toothbrush and said she'd be in the bedroom when I was finished, I was 18 at the time and had never got past second base so I freaked out and ran.

Andrea said:

No euphemism, Bob :)

Plocek said:

"I thought I saw my ex just now. She'd be here all RAAAAAAANGH *mimics knife stabbing, Psycho style*"

That's some fantastic onomatopoeia right there...

Guffin Mopes said:

Having a girl just USE my toothbrush on a third date was pretty much a dealbreaker.

But maybe I'm just a freak.

leron said:

Hilarious, in a lost, tragic sort of way.

I had an older woman ask me once if I wanted to come upstairs and see her newspaper clippings. I watched her ascend into her attic and reach for... a box of newspaper clippings. Oh well. She was a very good writer.

Phil Monroe said:

Guys don't like cats because they can't deal with something that doesn't seem to take commands well, does what it wants and is independent. Guys want obedient, stupid animals. So good rule is anyone that can't stand cats probably can't deal with real women either, so good move on your part.

/has one cat and am a guy

nora said:

Ha Ha. I love the tragic guy bit. Never really been into depressed, tragically lost, carrying a crap load of baggage type, thank goodness I'm married, I'd hate to have to choose between some of the guys I've seen bring in their dates in the restaurant I worked in for 10 years.

Rando said:

I'd have to disagree with you Phil. I'm a guy and I prefer cats to dogs because they are low maintenance. That fits pretty well with the lazy guy stereotype too :). I like dogs, but I'd rather not have to deal with the high level of interaction.

Fun article, btw.

Joe said:

The two cats to him were probably the same as the daughter to you - he'd like a little notice that there's something about your everyday routine that might not agree with his.

Ben said:

None of these things are all that weird except for 5 & 4. Perhaps you could try rejecting guys based on grown-up reasons. Poor you, having to be taken out to dinner by men with mild eccentricities or children.

I suppose that's why the blog is called Heartless Doll, though it might be more aptly named "15 year old girl."

NOT Ben said:

Speak for yourself Ben... you're on your own. Hey - are you single by any chance? do you have a life-size cutout of John "Keep off my lawn!" McCain? :)

Keith said:

I love the line" your eyeshadow looks likes someone punched you in the face" At least I know there is someone out there who has less tact than me! (kidding I wouldn't dare be that assholey unless I knew I could get away with it)

Great list. I agree that you can't bring in siblings or parents too early. I've had that happen before. Sometimes I liked hanging out with the mom or sibling better than my date and that's always awkward!

frenchie said:

I was asked via text once "If I were a piece of furniture in your house what would I be?" I said, "A lazy boy armchair." It was the truth.

I asked him the same question just to know. He said exotic house plant. WOW.

Kathryn said:

Bad dates are so great for good humor at least. As a writer, I have totally had to deal with the guy who wants me to look over his writing. I pretty much never want to. What's worse is when he wants to discuss the nuances of my writing - the reason I chose a particular sentence in a blog post or the thoughts I have on ancient authors I haven't read since high school.

LaRue said:

ha ha ha.. oh man.. I saw the "Blind Date" picture, and having Bruce Willis on the brain, I thought you had a problem with someone liking John McClane. I was gonna be like, "why the hate?"

Also, I dislike cats, and not because they aren't subservient. I'm all about "real women."

Afghan Whig said:

John McCain isn't the man, but I guess I should have learned from your other posts that you're intimidated by conservatives. Let me know when you grow out of that.

Kevin said:

You say...

"I mean, who doesn't like an entire species of furry animal?"

but earlier say...

"But sir, if you mean John McCain is the man, as in, your homeboy, then I'm just going to have to get this meal to go."

So it's not okay to disklike an entire group of animal. But it's perfectly okay to disklike an entire ideological group.

Gotcha. Interesting double standard

donniemac said:

Kevin, don't know where you got the conservative dislike from in this article, it could just be that Andrea does not care for a man who leaves his former beauty queen wife while she is being treated for cancer for another younger former beauty queen, then likes to pick a former beauty queen for running mate.
As for the cat thing, I agree with Phil Monroe that many men who cannot stand cats have issues with control. That is probably true with women who cannot stand cats also. But I also agree with Rando about the low maintenance thing with cats. You just have to accept that cats are going to show affection on their terms.

Chuck_U_Farley said:

Hey, he could have put a banana in your fruitbasket...

Jill aka The Nerdy Bird said:

Kevin, exactly how is one man an entire ideological group?

I also will never understand people who dislike an entire species of furry animal. The explanation I hear most often for guys who don't like cats is, "cats don't like me." Fits very well with your analogy Phil. :)

John said:

May I recommend www.datewrecks.com, and also admit that I explot the whole English accent thing at work with a gay female co-worker. No matter how outrageous the comment i make, bacause i say it in an English accent, she appears to forget herself and never take it personaly. I figure it must be guilt from the revolution.

aya said:

roflmao @ your "john mccain being the man" comments

David LeVack said:

I have joined 4 different online dating sites. Now it's like a bad coke addiction. I couldn't stop if I wanted to.

One gal asked me to join her pyramid scheme. Another confirmed my suspicions she had not been born a female.

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