Dear Diary, Justine Bateman, "God would never have made your arms as long as he did if He didn't want you to take care of things."

Posted at 4:00 PM Feb 13, 2009

By Sharon Steel

Justine Bateman has a Tumblr, and she takes it very seriously -- in fact, we sometimes wonder if she does anything else all day. But we're glad she doesn't, because her blog, Pony Pony Show (where, inexplicably, she posts as "tanya 77") is a candy-orange, potty-mouthed hodgepodge of memes, Internet candy, and candid pictures of herself. For this week's Dear Diary feature, we'll highlight three of our favorite recent posts.

On Hillary Duff's difficulty in choosing a name for her new line of clothes:

I fucking weep for the youth of this country.

On the announcement of a feature film based on Candyland:

Dear God, please don't let them fuck this up.

Love, me.

On those "Ex-Masturbator" t-shirts everyone flipped their shit about:

OK. Let's all calm down and think a bit. God would never have made your arms as long as he did if He didn't want you to take care of things. 

Additionally, if you want to play around with abstinence-before-marriage, you're in for an insane existence as you try to not let your hands brush your skin for the years it will take to meet a suitable mate. Or you'll marry the first person you can get your hands on because you'll need it that badly.

Then you will, years later, scour the Bible looking for scripture to back up the personal sexual denial you inflicted on yourself for years by not masterbating and you will not find it and you WILL BE PISSED.

Consider our girl crush on Mallory officially revived.


John said:

Mallory is pretty cute i can understand your crush on her.

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