Occasional outrage: I am a butterbody. I'm saying it right now.

Posted at 4:44 PM Jan 15, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

salma.jpgJust did a search on Facebook trying to figure out which Nick Coles is the complete asshat who wrote today's "Top 7 Butterbodies" list on Spike.com. Surprisingly enough, none of the men I found looked like the combination of Jesus Christ, Brad Pitt, rock candy, kittens, puppies and whiskey that it would take to make a man attractive enough to pass this kind of judgment:

The true definition of a butterbody is a woman who has a beautiful face but a body that's gone to butter. It's like the butterface, but in reverse. If you are rich and famous, there is no excuse for being a butterbody. It's your job to look fit and hot. Celebrities are not like normal people. They have the means to pay for a full time trainer and for someone to prepare their meals.

If you weren't swept away by his third-grade prose, consider being seduced by his masterful use of adjectives:

Salma Hayek has a beer gut, which she tries to hide by wearing flowing dresses. She fools no one with this trickery. This lady is fat. It's like she's carrying a spare car tire around her mid-section. Her only saving grace is her magnificent breasts. The extra weight she gained has gone directly to her breasts, and it is glorious.

On Mr. Coles' list: Sara Ramirez, Drew Barrymore, Salma Hayek, America Ferrera, Mandy Moore, Liv Tyler, and Tyra Banks. All ladies I can't say I'd be terrified to wake up and find I had the body of. No, not even close.

Articles like this make me feel totally useless. As an intelligent, self-respecting woman, I may have deceived myself into thinking that I neither date or befriend the kind of man (if that term is not too kind) who would find this funny. But if you are the kind of woman who does know these kind of men, please, please, do us all a favor and ... you know, I just can't think of something appropriate, here. Suggestions?

[Via Mandy from GGS.net]


Anne Packrat said:

Shove a laptop up their nose?

SammyC said:

I'm a guy (who happens to have a major crush on Ms. Grimes--I aspire to live up to her lofty standards of male comportment).

I don't really agree with most of what this guy said. I definitely find what he said rude, shallow, innapropriate to say in public, and generally perpetuating the deplorable objectification of women. But I also find it kinda funny. I probably would have found it more funny when I was 18, and I probably won't find it very funny at all when I am 35. But yeah, it made me chuckle.

Expecting comedy to always be politically correct and socially sensitive is silly and will only set you up for more pointless outrage. Are you really saying that you and your girlfriends never objectify men, and perhaps even have a laugh at their expense?

I'm sure you have befriended real-life males who would also chuckle at this, if perhaps in spite of themselves. As for what you should do to these men? I suggest explaining to them why you will now be referring to them as "buttercocks."

ArtF said:

This guy is a douche. Crap like this is the reason I dont read FHM or anything of their ilk. This type of thinking is why women think all men are walking assholes. Don't get me wrong, I have my neanderthal streak, but it doesn't extend to grade school crap like calling women fat. I'm sure if any of these women were to proposition this boy-man, he would trip over himself running up the stairs from his momma's basement.

Oh, and by the way, I too have a crush on Ms. Grimes, so SammyC and I have some serious talking to do in the parking lot.

Andrea said:

You gentlemen are too sweet.

Jennifer said:

I am willing to bet hard money that the writer of this "article" - namely, Nick Coles - has a penis the size of a gherkin and can't get it up without an image of Princess Leia by his nightstand.

aardvark said:

I'm sure this genius is no oil painting either. Let his puny-brained fellow gorillas slap him on the back.

He's clearly not worth getting worked up over.

John said:

*meanwhile, as ArtF and SammyC have their discussion in the parking lot...*

Pardon me, Andrea. I was wondering if I could buy you and your friends a round. Oh, and you've got to see this picture I took of my dog when he decided to sit in the driver's seat of my VW...


Mark T. said:

This guy probably went to prom with his 2nd cousin. Let me tell you this ladies,
this list is bogus. Those women are gorgeous. This dude is just a douche bag who probably was rejected by women who look like those women so of course he has to take shots at their bodies. I watch spike tv, but when I saw that my jaw and my wife's jaw dropped. I have a huge crush on Salma Hayek.

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