Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to detox your bowels
Posted at 1:24 PM Jan 06, 2009
By Sharon Steel
Yesterday, we received our January GOOP.com e-newsletter. For those of who you haven't been keeping up with soft-launched online media ventures, this hilarious corner of the Internets is helmed by Gwyneth Paltrow, with the aim of helping us all "nourish the inner aspect." But this time, Mrs. Goop is being really, um, specific about the whole "inner" part. What better way to capture the hearts of your fans and subscribers than to wish them a Happy New Year with suggestions on how to increase the quality and quantity of your visits to the little girls' room? Suddenly, it's all a little too much:It is that time of year, folks. I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else? I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year, the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse I did last spring. It was not what you would characterize as pretty. Or easy. It did work, however.
Not pretty? You mean you saw and smelled things that didn't resemble rose petals and diamonds? Gwynny goes on to recommend a daily menu (blueberry almond smoothies in the morning! miso and watercress soup at night!) and, um, offer some specifics about castor oil and laxatives that she gleaned from her new favorite book, Clean by Dr. Alejandro Junger.
If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification.
Did the woman who Chris Martin wrote Green Eyes (we think) about seriously just dole out advice on pooping? Next week, she's back with recommendations on how to get your butt in shape for the new year. It's easier to do this, naturally, if you've spent a week eating nothing but glasses of room temperature lemon water.
[via Huffington Post]
Comments
This woman is way WAY too concerned with the state of my bowels...
Posted 01/07/2009 at 09:49:18 AMAnd butt.
Posted 01/07/2009 at 10:07:42 AMLMAO this is from www.dlisted.com.(New york post) He calls her "Fishsticks"
Hold Me Back
Nobody makes me want to do harm to my laptop monitor the way Fishsticks Paltrow does. But I have to take a deep breath, stuff an Oreo Cakester in my mouth and realize it's just the messenger. I really should torture a big plate of Gorton's.
So, you know what Fishy thinks of those who don't like her big, steaming pile of maggot covered poop called GOOP? She feels sorry for you. It gets better. She said, "I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them."
All the energy I get from absolutely despising this hag isn't going to help me pull the stick lodged in her tight ass, because it's there forever. And the stick is who I feel sorry for the most. That stick has to put up with her runny caca for the rest of its days. Her asshole could bawl brown tears every second of the day from her stupid ass detoxing and that stick would still not fall out.
And let me just sprinkle a little more of her pretentious butt nuggets on you. When asked why she decided to start a newsletter where she can talk about drinking a half-cup of castor oil to get the shit going and her favorite $10 million cashmere toe covers, she said, "I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?" or "How do I make your (recipes)?" … I thought this would be a fun, creative way to share with friends."
Oh. My. God. For someone who promotes eating seeds and grass to stay healthy, this bitch really makes me want to eat a jumbo bowl of sugar, preservatives and fat. And that's what I'm going to do right now to keep me from strangling an innocent fishstick.
Posted 01/08/2009 at 09:35:42 AM