Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 15, 2009By Bonnie Ruberg
I'm getting married to my longtime beau this June, and I think I've mentioned just how ridiculously unprepared I am for all the etiquette that surrounds this process. Whom should I invite? What color flowers should I pick? These questions baffle me, but nothing has been quite so overwhelming as the dreaded wedding registry.
I think most people look forward to this part: running around department stores, scanning items they want family and friends to buy them. It's like those Nickelodeon contests we never won as kids where they gave you 15 minutes to grab whatever you could from a toy store. For me, all the fun was sucked out of registering once I saw the lists of what I was supposed to want -- sets of China and matching bath towels and silver serving trays no human would ever use.
What would I put on my registry if I actually had the balls to enjoy it? Here are some ideas that would instantly get the relatives talking.
10. Sex toys
What could be better for a young couple getting married then something to ensure thrills in the bedroom? Plus they're fancy and expensive, so they make a perfect gift. Eh, grandparents? Eh?
Nightmare Before Christmas, Clue, A Clockwork Orange: these say happy wedding spirit, right? What about just a gift certificate to Best Buy?
8. "Inappropriate" academic reading
Books get expensive, and my Amazon list is full of them: the Marquis de Sade, queer theory, you name it. I happen to think that kind of present would be an investment in my dorky future, but considering how my mother stands in front of my bookshelves shaking her head, I'm thinking the family might not feel the same.
7. Spa treatments
Back massage for the couple who's super stressed from planning a big wedding? Yes please! This wouldn't even be a weird present, it's just one of those things you can't ring up at Macy's. Sadness.
6. Children's books
Listing things like an illustrated, hardback, awesome copy of the complete Chronicles of Narnia on your wedding registry implies one of two things: 1) you're rushing into kids way too fast or 2) you're still nine years old inside, and won't know what the heck to do with the rest of the stuff on your registry when you actually do set up a household. I'll take number two, please!
You might think this should get lumped in with sex toys: one of those things that helps keep newlyweds' sex life alive. No, the true porn connoisseur will tell you, classic porn is a thing all its own. It's hard to justify buying expensively grainy '70s movies on a twenty-something salary, but when it's a gift to celebrate our love (for porn)...?
4. Video games
Somehow even less classy than asking for DVDs, video games are something brides aren't supposed to crave... but here I am. The shame.
3. A Welsh Corgy
Too frickin' cute for words. I mean, we're going to get one once we have our own apartment anyways. Why can't it just come gift wrapped?
2. A rainbow of mixers
If there's one girly, bridal bone in my body, it's my enormous soft spot for brightly colored, retro mixers. Every time I see one in a department store, I swoon. God knows what I think I'm going to make with one. Maybe I'd just stand in the kitchen and pet it. The worst part is, some ridiculous section of my brain has decided I want mixers in like three different colors. So useful!
1. Grad school
Seriously, thousands and thousands of dollars? Anyone? Relatives?