Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 14, 2009
By Andrea Grimes
Fourteen days into January, and most of us have probably spent more time at the gym this year than we have in our entire adult lifetimes. The resolutions, they are upon us, and we have decreed: this year we will lose the weight! At least until the free gym membership runs out, right? Or until we just can't stand that creepy guy at the ab machine eyeing us any longer.
I used to think that the worst part about the gym would be all the buff dudes in the weight room dousing me in sloppy loads of testosterone; would that that were the least of my problems! No, the gym is full of folk, from creepy to sleazy to downright annoying, and I'm doing my best to deal with them whilst I huff and puff away. Read on to enter an account of this gym-goer's own personal hell: the 10 most annoying people at the gym.
10. The people outside the giant window watching us run
Someday, once we've all properly adhered to our gym routines and learned to eat well, or at least hide our eating disorders, everyone will be thin and beautiful. Until then, those of us at the gym who are sweating our asses off on the treadmill will not be especially thin, and in that moment, not especially beautiful. So why, gym architects, do you put the cardio equipment in front of the window that opens onto the street so that we can be gawked at like zoo animals? And seriously, dude with the giant coffee, we saw you walk by four times.
9. The locker room mirror hog
We're all at the gym hoping to see results. You are, too. That's fine. But spending seven minutes rotating oneself like a rotisserie meat in front of the full-length mirror is unlikely to reveal anything you didn't catch in the first four minutes. Move over, I have eyeliner needs.
8. The raquetball super-enthusiasts
It's hard for me to run and laugh at you wearing your goggles all over the place at the same time.
7. Wearers of ill-fitting gym clothing of the small persuasion
Tiny shorts. Tiny shirts. Tiny respect for the rest of the sweating, panting humanity. The smallest thing on your person at the gym ought to be your headphones, not your jogging shorts. I don't care if you're male or female, the fact remains: flesh is already plentiful at the gymnasium, and less is more. Way, way more. Like, 10 times more.
6. The locker room phone-talker
The public phone-talker is unknown to no one; we've all encountered the wheeling-dealing businessman, the self-absorbed Greek initiate, the baby-centric mommybot, all yammering on within closely quartered earshot. But the locker room phone-talker is a whole other breed, cluelessly getting their personal business on while wearing nothing but a jock strap or bra. Must one deal with somebody else's issues both visually and aurally? In the locker room, the answer is yes.