10 Ways Not To Be A Creep on the Dating Site of Your Choice

Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 23, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

Here's hoping you don't have the kind of scary, intrusive family members Jennifer wrote about in her hilarious annoying holiday relatives list. Nosy aunts and uncles all want to know when you'll be bringing a nice boy (yes, boy, specifically) home for the holidays and getting around to all the marriage (step one) and babies (step two) and stuff. Not that we all have to be pumped about the marriage and babies part, but having an ally by one's side at holiday functions can be rather nice. Trouble is, where's a girl to find her special friend?

This doll isn't afraid to look online, so I'm happy to sing the praises of finding love on the t00bs. Trouble is, all the jerks you don't want to talk to in bars, at parties and at work are also online, and they are emboldened by the computer veneer separating the two of you. All you've got to go on is a profile and an introductory message. And yet, so much can go wrong so quickly in these two little spaces. Thus, with all the holiday spirit and well-wishes I can muster, I give you, online daters, 10 ways to reduce online creepiness.

10. Mind the age gap

You're a September-October kinda guy, but that doesn't mean you don't dig a nice July day, right? Totally reasonable; everyone loves summer. However, if you're old enough to be her father, perhaps think twice before giving her your online game. Maybe she'd fall for you if you were the hot man-cougar at work or the handsome businessman she often ran into at the coffee shop. But when there's no real-world middle ground between you and Miss July, know that a message from Steppenwolfman62 will probably go straight into the trashcan, followed swiftly by a "block user" click. And for the record, there are no exceptions to this rule. Even for you, ponytail guy.

9. Accidents don't happen

Re: the "accidental" message containing something esoteric--and yet endearingly witty and vague--that gets delivered to the "wrong" Ashley/Andrea/Gertrude. Silly you! You thought you were messaging a woman from the office you found online, but ah! Happenstance! Your message went to another person, but my! isn't! she! lovely! Guess we'll just have to strike up some witty reparté anyway! This premise for starting conversations only works in wacky romantic comedies. In the real online dating world, it looks like you're intentionally trying to court a woman who doesn't mind you thinking she's a brain dead dipshit who can't see through this trick.

8. Sign language

So, handsome, you're a 5'11" gemini!? Hold on, my panties just fell off. Please, don't tell me about your likes and dislikes, cares and concerns or funny stories--just tell me your sign and I'm yours. Take my womb--please!

7. The check-out line

Eye candy is hardly a gender-specific snack; lots of ladies love to check out boys/grrls/bois, whatever their taste buds desire. This goes for online daters, too--we troll profiles like it's going out of style. So we don't mind giving yours a looksee. However, sending a message that simply says, "Hi! We have a lot in common check my profile out mebe u like what u see!" is the online equivalent of wearing one of those T-shirts that reads "It's not going to suck itself." I'm not saying lazy dudes don't get tang. I am saying they're not getting the quality product. But hey, ignorance is bliss, isn't it?

6. Leave something, but not everything, to the imagination

There's something mysterious about mystery. It's so ... mystical and elusive and abstruse and enigmatic! And brevity! Brevity is so very brief! Keep these terms in mind when you're filling out your online profile. Try to strike a balance between baseball card and Thomas Pynchon novel. Unless you're David Sedaris, refrain from recounting childhood stories. If your name isn't Dave Eggers, we probably don't need to read samples of your hopeless, wanky fiction. Tell us who you are, what you like and what you care about. And then let us ask about the rest if we want, yes?