The Top Ten Cheesiest Holiday Movies on Television
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 08, 2008
By Jennifer MathieuIt's that time of year again. Time to circle 'round the tube with loved ones and watch the most craptastic holiday family films imaginable. (Or maybe time to circle 'round the tube with a bottle of Jim Beam.) Anyway, we're talking Lifetime, Hallmark channel, ABC Family and so on. So sweet they make your teeth hurt, so cheesy you need crackers. Check it out.
10. Santa with Muscles
In this little gem, Hulk Hogan (pre-divorce, pre-son thrown in jail, pre-horrible reality television Hulk) plays a dude who gets amnesia and decides to help a bunch of kids in an orphanage. (Do we really even have any orphanages anymore?) Meanwhile, the brunette from 9. Christmas in Connecticut -- the remake!
Hey! I've got an idea! Let's take this perfectly sweet 1940s film originally starring legendary Barbara Stanwyck and remake it with Dyan Cannon! And Dyan plays a television cook that can't actually cook! Oh Dyan, you so crazy! And hey, I've got an even better idea! Let's get Arnold Schwarzenegger to direct!
8. A Very Brady Christmas
When this first aired, I was in junior high, and I literally counted down the days on my calendar until it appeared on television. The kids all come home for Christmas (except for the real Cindy, who was played by some bastardized stand-in version since Susan Olsen was off getting hitched). Anyway, hijinks ensue until Mike Brady gets trapped inside a building that has collapsed, and Florence Henderson/Carol Brady guides Mike to safety with her rendition of O Come, All Ye Faithful. There wasn't a dry eye in the house that night, ladies and gentlemen. Not a dry eye in the house.
Steve Guttenberg. Crystal Bernard. Hallmark Channel. Do I really have to say anything else? Really? I do? Steve Guttenberg is Santa's son, and he needs to replace his dad, and he needs to get married...oh my God, do I have to go on? OK. So there's this character named Ernst, and he's like, the helper to Santa, and he's going to hook Santa's son up, so he can get it on, and...oh I cannot go on.6. It Happened One Christmas
Blatant rip-off of It's A Wonderful Life starring Marlo Thomas as Mary Bailey Hatch, a woman who wants to travel the world except she's forced to stay in her small town running her family's savings and loan. Sound familiar? Now look, I'm as big of a feminist as anyone, but George Bailey was a man, and Hamlet was a man, and Spartacus was a man. There doesn't need to be the ladies' version.
1 | 2
Comments
On the Star Wars Holiday Special, Lucas didn't have any participation. Supposedly, what happened is that he had a good friend act as producer, to make sure they didn't fuck it up, and the other producers ignored him and eventually fired him. He wanted a Star Wars story, and they wanted a variety show. The filming only took a few weeks, which is why Lucas didn't find out about it until it was done.
Unfortunately, he had a clause in the contract requiring at least one showing, and it was too close to deadline to refilm it, so he was forced to show it once on CBS and then destroy all the copies. Since then, it is used as the ultimate example of why you always include the ability to cancel the entire production in any contract.
Posted 12/08/2008 at 07:43:55 AMSW Holiday Special isnt cheesey...Its like walking in on your parents making sweet love, while being handed a paper from the doctors saying you have cancer and 2 days to live, with a drive by kick in the balls from the little brother/sister
Posted 12/08/2008 at 09:28:40 AMWorse - Single Santa seeks Mrs Claus - THE SEQUEL! Yes, it is true. Steve Gutenberg say HO HO HO - yuck!
Posted 12/08/2008 at 10:56:10 AMI'm amazed you didn't include "Holiday in Handcuffs" - a movie based around the concept that...
a) Melissa Joan Hart doesn't have a boyfriend
b) She can't get a date or a male friend to take home for Christmas to get her parents off her back about popping out babies...
c) She decides kidnapping the FAAAAAB-u-lous Mario Lopez is the best way to convince her parents she isn't a fag hag artist...
d) There is a straight man alive who will object to ANY woman who looks like Melissa Joan Hart putting him in handcuffs and forcing him to kiss her in public.
Posted 12/08/2008 at 01:35:50 PMI recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Susan
http://www.car-insurance-choices.com
Posted 12/08/2008 at 11:14:50 PM
Posted 12/11/2008 at 10:10:58 PMhaha - too funny! Check this out for even more: watch movie online !!
"It Happened One Christmas
Blatant rip-off of It's A Wonderful Life starring Marlo Thomas..."
Rip-off? lol, it's called a remake.
Posted 12/25/2008 at 05:25:13 AM