Hanukah has started, let the lameness begin
Posted at 11:59 AM Dec 22, 2008
By Bonnie Ruberg
Last night marked the beginning of Hanukah, the Jewish festival of lights -- i.e. a chance for us pork haters to get gifts for the holidays so our Christian friends can't make fun of us and call our religion stupid. I'm no super Jew, but I like the happy, cultural side of celebrating my heritage, especially when that involves getting presents and making greasy ethnic food (latkes FTW!). I've moved around a lot over the last few years, so I often find myself constructing totally ghetto, yet bizarrely endearing little menorahs -- those things will all the candles, for you gentiles -- out of tea lights and potential flammable tabletops. This year, my Hanukah decorations are set up in the shadow of a little Christmas tree. Don't worry, the Torah says that's okay. At least, I think it does.
So, a couple days ago I brought you a list of the eight things I wish someone would buy me for Hanukah. The fact of the matter is, that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. In reality, us Jews tend to get pretty lame gifts, considering our holiday is spread out over a whole bunch of nights -- well intentioned, to be sure, be weak nonetheless. Here then is a more realistic list of what I can probably expect between now and the 28th from the bag of gifts my mother sent me home with from Philadelphia:
Night 1: a wash cloth (seriously, that was last night's present)
Night 2: a pair of socks with kitties
Night 3: a packet of novelty tissues
Night 4: a brightly colored pair of those stretchy "magic" gloves
Night 5: a singular pair of underwear
Night 6: a small wall calendar with photos of sad puppies
Night 7: a travel-size bottle of scented hand lotion
Night 8: a t-shirt too big for me in a color and cut I would never wear
Yeah, you know you wish you were Jewish. Now to stare longingly at other people's Christmas decorations...
