5 New Year's Resolutions Bonnie Ruberg Will Never Keep
Posted at 5:01 AM Dec 29, 2008
By Bonnie Ruberg
New Year's is a time to make promises to yourself about ways to change your life for the better, a time to turn your nasty habits around. It's also a time to decide to do a whole bunch of well-intentioned stuff you'll never actually get around to doing. Here's my list of New Year's resolutions I wish I had the willpower to put into action. Instead I'm working on a new kind of resolution: to be honest about my own laziness. Happy 2009!
5. To get so skinny it'll make 19-year-old porn stars jealous.
Everybody wants to lose weight for the New Year, and I'm no different. At least I've come to terms with the fact that, no matter how many times I get my butt out and about this spring, I am never -- and I mean never -- going to be skinny. Sure, I might get jealous when I see fresh-faced adult performers with their clearly showing ribs, but that won't stop me and my hips from going off and eating a burrito or three.
4. To never, ever order an another greasy pizza.
When times get stressful -- like around the holidays -- finding evenings to cook healthy food can be tough. Well, that's my excuse for the mountain of empty pizza boxes piling up in my kitchen. Every time I eat the stuff I can feel the delivery cheese coming through my pores for days. Never again! Until the next time...
3. To make it to the gym on weekend mornings, regardless of margarita count.
According to the grand Bonnie plan, I'm supposed to hit the treadmill either Saturday or Sunday morning, getting myself up and out of bed with vigor -- or something. It's something I should probably be better about. The fact of the matter is, though, after a night of margarita pitchers at Tortilla Heights, there's no workout that's worth me waking up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. Then, of course, by the time I'm awake, it's noon and by then I feel enough like a sleepy bum to justify skipping out on the gym altogether.
2. To learn how to knit, sail, and do math.
I wish there was more time in life. I really do. But since there's not, there are plenty of hobbies I'd like to have the time/energy to pick up that, honestly, I'm just not gonna. Every craftsy girl knows how to knit, right? Not me. I love water sports, and I live on a bay, so I should take sailing classes, right? Well, sure, I guess. By studying for the GREs, I remembered I actually really like math. I should take a night class at the nearby city college, just for fun, right? Meh, House is on that night of the week. I have more important things to do.
1. To be less judgmental of stupid people.
Apparently I have a low tolerance for telephone operators, ladies who jam their handbags into my side on public buses, and other silly humans who make me recite my mantra: "Hell is other people." I was recently told that, for the New Year's, maybe I should try and lighten up, to not judge others but just to listen and appreciate them for who they are. How stupid is that?
