Top 10 Ways to Make Your Black Friday A Little Less Black
Posted at 5:00 AM Nov 28, 2008
By Andrea Grimes
Used to, you could sit at home with a hangover on Friday morning and look down upon the up-and-at-em family members struggling home from Target with bags in hand. Consumerists! Materialistic drones! Contributing to the oppression of the capitalist machine! Somebody hand me a Marlboro ... and a matchstick of irony.
But now everyone's broke and the local news stations are running out of ways to say "Consumers are spending less this year!" Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, is going to be dark no matter what we do. But I'm an optimist, and so I'm here to help you with 10 ways to make your Black Friday a little less black.
10. Keep Drinking!
The family started getting intolerable after your local sports team of choice got creamed, somehow starting a debate about gay marriage and "them liberals." So you headed to your local drinking hole of choice, got a ride home from some asshole who used to tease you in junior high and passed out on the couch in front of your parents' digital cable. Waking up to Good Morning America's live broadcast of a brawl for the latest It Toy is going to be doubly painful, considering that whiskey headache. Head out to the garage fridge, steal one of Dad's Coors Lights, and keep the alcohol flowing. You don't have to drive home until tomorrow, anyway.
9. Make a Turkey Omelet
Ingredients: eggs, cheese, an onion and all the leftover turkey you can cram into a pan. Feed to family. Once the tryptophan kicks in, nobody will have the energy to load up for a trip to Barnes and Noble with the rest of your county. Everybody's back in bed by noon, and you're safe from the credit card-wielding hordes.
8. Celebrate Buy Nothing Day
Disclaimer: the people at Adbusters are self-absorbed assmonkeys who get off on preaching to a self-absorbed assmonkey choir. They've also kind of got a point with their whole anti-consumerist Buy Nothing Day thing. Stay home all day and fight the man by playing the Wii you bought last year on Black Friday, before you were an enlightened, self-absorbed assmonkey.
7. Line up at 3 a.m. to buy the It Toy and then, once acquired, set it afire in the parking lot
Since the sun won't come up for a couple of hours, the flames will look especially lovely against the Sam's Club lot lights.
6. Pretend the kids at the mall are part of a tag and release program
God forbid you've actually ended up at one of America's many bastions of commerce, but if you have, chances are you're going to be standing in some long lines next to some loud babies. Just pretend like their parents are giving, concerned citizens who have volunteered to take the creatures out for the day in a hopeless attempt at socializing the boogers.
