The following costumes should be neither exotic nor erotic

Posted at 12:31 PM Oct 27, 2008

By Bonnie Ruberg

As we dolls know well, for women Halloween isn't just about dressing up -- it's about turning perfectly PG costumes into ridiculously slutty numbers that will attract the attention of sugar-crazed boys at a friend's party. Well, this weekend I saw enough PG-to-slutty costume transformations to last me many, many Halloweens to come. I was covering the 2008 Exotic Erotic Ball, a pre-holiday faux-masquerade where very few faces -- or other body parts -- were actually covered. Of the thousands and thousands of partygoers who pressed past me in the sweaty crowds Saturday night, here are the costumes I hope never, ever to see again:

1) Santa with no pants. Oh, and no underwear, too. Somehow I always ended up behind him in lines. He had the beard, the red shirt, the hat, the nose that says, "Santa's been drinking" -- and nothing else. I saw seven, yes seven, penises at the ball, but his was by far the most unsettling. It made me picture coming down on Christmas morning to find Santa half-naked and wanking under the tree.

2) Mickey Mouse with a giant wang. Yes, some clever, clever person rented himself a full Mickey Mouse suit, complete with giant head, then attached a 12-inch rubber dildo to the outside. Thank goodness the event was 21+ only (the majority of the crowd was at least 40), because that would have scared the living daylights out of me at age five.

3) Hot zombie dancers. These weren't just partygoers, they were official, paid dancers who performed in the VIP tent. Probably about 10 beautiful women (and at least one beautiful man) were dressed up to look like zombies -- well, zombies if zombies barely wore any clothes -- and set loose on a dance floor. That was fine, but when they moved through the crowd to get backstage, they went with fake "handlers" and swatted at us attendees with crazed looks in their eyes that were a lot less hot than they were terrifying. Why am I suddenly associating pole dances with terror?