10 Diseases I'd Be Willing to Endure to Get Close to Dr. House

Posted at 5:00 AM Oct 08, 2008

By Bonnie Ruberg

Now that the House season is back up and running, we can all agree that Dr. House is irrationally dreamy. No, he's not good looking in any traditional sense. And yes, he is grouchy and unapproachable. But he's also damn smart. Plus it would be such a great challenge to get him to turn all cuddly in bed. Luckily for us, getting close to him in TV land only requires one little thing: contracting some horrible, baffling disease, the mystery behind which he could then solve over the course of, I don't know, let's say an hour minus commercial breaks.

Here then is a list of diseases I would be willing to endure in order to get close to House. There's nothing totally horrific here, nothing that would leave me forever missing limbs. Hopefully these diseases would just appear in some rare form, and then turn out to be totally treatable. Also, hopefully I wouldn't need a tracheotomy. They seem to do those on the show all the time.

10. Mono
People get mono all the time from kissing, which sounds fun on its own. It lasts about a month, which would give me plenty of time to get on House's good side while he figured out -- whatever he was trying to figure out. Plus, not having an appetite for four weeks would mean I'd be slim (if totally ill) for the grand seduction.

9. Cow pox
Nobody gets cow pox today, and that's what would make me special. Chicken pox = boring. Small pox = deadly. Cow pox = hello, Dr. House.

8. Strep throat
Okay, so this one is pretty common -- especially for me. I'm one of those lucky weirdos who's had it like eight times over the last twenty-three years. But hey, if it wanted to mutate into some previously unknown form that would land me in the Princeton ER, I wouldn't complain. Okay, I probably would, but still.

7. The vapors
Though no one has come down with this fake ailment since women stopped wearing super-tight corsets, I could surely help an old-fashioned favorite make a comeback. "Oh my, Dr. House, I do declare I feel a case of the vapors coming on." See, he's mine already.

6. Narcolepsy
No, this one isn't a disease, but you can just picture it: House and his team standing around their meeting room table, trying to figure out what brain ailment I have that makes me keep falling asleep. Did I come in contact with some exotic mold? Did I take drugs years ago that are only now releasing themselves into my system? Meanwhile, I'd have an excuse to pass out while they debate.