Top 10 Celebrity Coming-Of-Age Transformations Gone Awry
Posted at 5:00 AM Sep 30, 2008
By Sharon Steel
Thank the Y.A. gawds that most of us are able to survive our worst Judy Blume moments in blessed anonymity. Over here at Heartless Doll, we've got heaps of crappy, character-defining memories that we're keeping locked up in our middle-school diaries 4-Eva. Not so for the girls who come-of-age under the watchful eye of the Zeitgeist! Today, we're turning to nine women (and one dude) who lived out their hot-mess misadventures with cameras pointed at their faces.
10. Katie Holmes
InStyle magazine once featured a lovely Katie Holmes fashion spread. She appeared Noxema-fresh and awesome, hanging out in New York City wearing cute jeans and sundresses. I believe she ate cupcakes in one shot. She also smiled a smile that didn't look like someone programmed her to do it. It seems so long ago! Except it wasn't. WTF happened to Joey Potter? Oh, right. Tom Cruise happened. Followed by couch jumping, tabloid courting, an admittedly adorbs daughter Suri, and, sigh, a starring role in Mad Money. Not even her current role in Arthur Miller's in All My Sons can wipe that off her résumé. Although Holmes is one of the most classically dressed young mamas out there, she regularly struts about in Posh Spice-inspired ensembles that make me want to weep (not with happiness). Also, it isn't recommended to let your baby's haircut inspire your own. Nor is it OK to sport wispy infant bangs on the day you declare yourself Mrs. Cruisazy to the world. It's the little things.
9. Lindsay Lohan
Child stars are child stars because they're ridiculously cute children. Lindsay Lohan really was, from her first Jello commercial to her role in The Parent Trap. Then, things got sad and dangerous. Lindsay changed. Her upper-downer adolescence has always been considerably more painful to watch unfold than other young actresses turned sexpot-riot-grrls. Lindsay has calmed down somewhat recently -- her relationship with Sam Ronson and sudden interest in politics seems to have done her good. So it's her sister Ali who my concern is turned toward at the moment. The problem is, Lindsay is Ali's self-proclaimed role-model. Um, can't we just fast-forward to when they're both senior-citizens and writing letters to Page Six in an attempt to stop their kids from publishing tell-all memoirs?
8. Drew Barrymore
If I could choose one actress in L.A. who reminded me most of a free-spirited wood nymph who sprinkles happy fairy dust around in spite of being burned by dudes over and over and over again, it would be Drew Barrymore. There was definitely a post-E.T. rough patch -- last I checked, it wasn't exactly healthy for nine-year-olds to smoke cigs and booze the night away at Studio 54 -- but ol' Drew has certainly cleaned up her act. Problem is, something snapped along the way, and girl has turned into a twice-divorced long-term relationship ho. We know you can commit, Drew, but there may be something amiss with the men to whom you choose to commit. My advice, as an uncertified matchmaker who has no right to give anyone relationship guidance, is to pull a Julia Roberts and get hitched to a layperson who'll totally adore you and let you be all normal and stuff.
7. Kirsten Dunst
I rather enjoy Kiki D's haphazard California chic style, and truly admire how open she is about having gone into treatment for depression. But I just can't get over her snaggle-teeth. Was orthodontic headgear or filing those suckers down never an option? It's like Interview with the Vampire just held on and refused to let go. Ever. Kissing Brad Pitt when you're 11 can do that to a girl, I guess.
6. Tara Reid
Oh, American Pie. Whenever this celluloid masterpiece reruns it brings me back to a simpler time, when teen-fiction schlock films featuring Jason Biggs were still in demand. American Pie also reminds me of one Tara Reid! A snap-shot of images: harshly-lined blue eyes...a raspy baby-voice...prone and orgasmic on a bed with Thomas Ian Nicholas...a strange inability to convincingly play the role of a good girl. Hrm, foreshadowing? Tara Reid, Tara Reid, Tara Reid. Please stop getting bad plastic surgery. Please stop showing your bad-plastic-surgery-designed breasts. Please stop spreading rumors that you're going to be on the Australian version of Dancing with the Stars. Please, just stop. The trainwreck hurts my eyes.
