Posted at 8:08 AM Aug 14, 2008
By Andrea Grimes
Magazine showdown time! It's the battle of the century between Cosmo and Ask Men! The gauntlet has been thrown! The battle is on! Who will fight the good fight? Who will leave me comments with more and better war clichés?
The hot-button issue: things men and women can do, exclusive to each other. Ask Men has the original list, "10 Things Only Men Can Do," which includes men being able to go topless and hold their liquor. (Is it time to rename the site Ask Asshats? yet?) But Cosmo's retort is all "Oh, no she didn't!" with enviable female abilities like getting pregnant and looking sexy while sipping a fruity drink.
I don't even know where to start, here. The fact that we're making boys vs. girls lists about qualities that deal with anything other than purely biological or legal abilities is so packed with hetero-focused sexism that my weak little ovaries are 'bout to 'splode.
So let's break it down. (Note: Cosmo really went the extra mile with 21 reasons, but I'm just dealing with a few key selections from the top 10, because I don't have the kind of time or willpower to deal with much more unabashed stupidity.)
Ask Men 10. Men can "go topless" because it's legal and also, because their tits don't jiggle when they play streetball. I guess these guys haven't seen a lot of the guys I've seen playing streetball. Also, where I live here in Austin, it's totes legal for girls to drop their tops anywhere, any time. Viva Texas!
Cosmo 10. Women can "get out of a speeding ticket" with a wink and a smile. In what universe? The cops who pull me over are the same rule-obsessed wanks who pull guys over, and I know a lot of women with a lot of speeding tickets.
Ask Men 9. Men can "hold our liquor." Look, just because you can drink more of it because, on average, you're larger, doesn't mean you can "hold it" better. Case in point: every frat and bachelor party in history. And don't even get me started on your cretin-level joke about global warming discussions.
Cosmo 9. Women can "wear skirts." Uh, the Sartorialist disagrees, and I think he's right.
More shocking stereotypes and bad jokes after the jump!
Ask Men 7. Men can "navigate spatially" which makes them better at math and science. Sure, Ask Men concedes "the journal Science declared otherwise in 2008" but "tradition is a hard thing to beat." Yeah, we should def just go with tradition. That's working well in those places where women enjoy exclusive abilities like being able to get stoned for adultery and sold like cattle to suitors decades older. Tradition!
Cosmo 7. Women can "multitask," for example, by talking on the phone and watching television at the same time. No, that's not my joke. That's their serious reason.
Ask Men 4. Men can "fertilize eggs." Never mind the fact that science has gone so far as to be able to eliminate both sex roles entirely when it comes to makin' a baby in a test tube. Skip right over to their claim that studies to grow babies out-of-womb must be headed by lesbians. EW LESBOS R GROSS. Except when hot girls at the bar make out.
Cosmo 4. Women can "look sexy while sipping fruity cocktails." I went to Mexico once with my family. When I was there, I met a Cancun native named Marcus who loved daiquiris. And he and his six-pack looked just fine with the cocktail in-hand.
Ask Men 2."Fuck things." Jesus. H. Christ. Almighty.
Cosmo 2. "Fake it." This is not a blessing. Our ability to fake it means, firstly, that guys don't learn how to pleasure us properly and secondly, that we go to bed unsatisfied while Mr. You Like My Big Dick, Huh? snoozes comfortably thinking he's a sex god.
Alright, I'm all hated out. Hate, hate, hate.