Top 5 Ways Rock Band Will Get You Laid

Posted at 5:00 AM Aug 07, 2008

By Bonnie Ruberg

Musicians are sexy, right? And video games are… well, they can be sexy too, I promise. But there's nothing sexier than Rock Band, the video game that lets you and two or three friends play along to popular songs as if you guys were really in a group. Complete with a plastic guitar, a faux-drum set, and a microphone, Rock Band is a great party game, but it can also help you get you laid. Don't believe me? Here's how:

5. Look like a rock god to people who don't understand music

Whichever instrument you choose when playing Rock Band –- guitar, bass guitar, drums, or vocals (OK, that last one isn't really an instrument) –- you'll match notes that appear on the screen by hitting notes on your instrument. While this takes a bit of time to master, the end result is you'll feel damn cool, as if you really could play music. Do you hear that rockin' electric guitar solo? That's you doing that!

Of course, it's not really. While the Rock Band drum set does a good job approximating real drums, and the vocals are, well, vocals, the plastic guitar controller would never fool a real musician. But don’t worry, the hot person sitting next to you who you're trying to impress doesn't need to know that. To them, it'll look like you're some kind of rock god, wailing out tunes and strumming the classics. After that, all you'll need is a hipster T-shirt and a dirty pair of jeans. Heck, chances are you're already wearing that. Your crush definitely won't be able to resist your rock star appeal.

4. Rock out to romantic tunes

Who wouldn't feel inspired to jump into a make-out session after watching you master some lovey-dovey song on expert mode? Picking the right song to play can set the mood for putting down the controllers and getting it on. While most of the tunes on the Wii version of the game are more hard rock than sweet seduction, the Xbox 360 version allows you to download extra tracks from the internet, giving you a better selection.

Sadly, there's still no Sexual Healing or Let's Get It On in Rock Band. While we wait for songs like that -- and we may be waiting a long, long time-- why not try something with at least enticing lyrics. Take, for example, David Bowie's, Suffragette City, which would afford you the opportunity to shout, "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am!" There's also The Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Maps, which both sounds sweet (the refrain: "They don't love you like I love you") and is super sweet to play on drums.

3. Have someone help you master those notes

If you're new to playing Rock Band, or if you're just being coy, there's no better way to end up in someone's arms than to ask them to help you learn an instrument. If you're trying drums, have them pull up a chair behind you, then hold your hands as you practice hitting each colored drum along with the notes on the screen. Who knows, they might even reach a leg around to help you with the foot pedal, and that spells percussion footsy.

Of course, if you're already a Rock Band guru, feel free to take the active role and wrap your arms around a cute beginner. Teach someone to play guitar by standing behind them, reaching around, and pushing their fingers down on the buttons in time. If that much sweaty palm contact doesn't get the energy flowing, nothing in video game land will.

2. Get down on your knees and bite a whammy bar

The guitar controllers that come with Rock Band have, in addition to buttons, whammy bars. They're there so that you can rock out while holding down an extended note, but they can often be a pain to reach when you're trying to pay attention to the game. If you see a crush struggling, offer to jump in and help. While the aforementioned cutie is standing, get down on your knees so you’ll be guitar height, and give that whammy board a wiggle at the appropriate moments.

If you're feeling extra daring, do it with your teeth. Technically, you're not doing anything dirty, but boy will it get that guitarist's mind working…

1. Invite over two or three friends and let the mood take you… all of you

Rock Band is an orgy game if ever there was one. It's designed for up to four players at a time (you can purchase a second guitar for a full band), which makes it a great icebreaker for impending threesomes and foursomes. It's fun enough anyone can join in, it gets everyone excited, and it makes you feel like you're bonding. What better way to say, "Let's all hop into bed together?"

Of course, not all Rock Band bands finish off a hard night of rocking by jumping in the collective sack but some definitely do.