Dear Diary: Rainn Wilson, "I've kidnapped the lovely Jenna, put her, bound, in the trunk of my firebird and logged onto her MySpace to send out this bulletin"
Posted at 5:52 PM Aug 15, 2008
By Sharon Steel
For the love of Jam! A Dear Diary celebrity is in some serious trubs. Let's all try to quell our nervous ticking and assess the facts together in a calm, rational manner.
OMFG!! Jenna Fischer has been kidnapped by her Office co-star Rainn Wilson! He is holding her hostage in the trunk of his ugly Firebird and is taking over her MySpace blog until his new movie The Rocker grosses more money than it probably humanely can gross! As you can see, evil Wilson hacked into our girl Jenna's account on Aug. 11 and posted his diabolical threat in her Internet journal, along with a picture of him wearing leather pants with a lace-up crotch (we assume he is "in character" here) and a totally threatening expression that is very, very real.
"My name is Rainn Wilson and I've kidnapped the lovely Jenna, put her, bound, in the trunk of my firebird and logged onto her MySpace to send out this bulletin.To free America's sweetheart, Pam Beesly, one half of the magic which is 'Jam', you must attend my new movie, 'The Rocker', which opens August 20th.
As soon as the film grosses 18.7 Mil, she will be released and given a peach smoothie."
Then, on Aug. 12, Wilson returned with a brief but no less worrisome announcement:
"All further inquiries as to the specifics of Jenna's kidnapping should be directed to www.FreeJennaNow.com"
Of course, FreeJennaNow has a scanned copy of Wilson's ransom note as well as the first of what is sure to be a series of Jenna Fischer Ransom Videos. Heartless Doll hearts you, Jenna! Stay strong! Don't get dehydrated! There's a peach smoothie waiting for you at the end of this difficult journey, even if it means we have to spend our life savings on Fandango.com.
