Top 10 Sex Toys Your Mother-in-Law Wouldn't Realize Were Sex Toys
Posted at 5:00 AM Jul 24, 2008
By Bonnie Ruberg
We're all mature women here, right? And mature women can admit they enjoy using sex toys to get off. Mature women can also admit that no matter how mature they are they'll still be scared, irked, or downright intimidated by their mother-in-laws.
Even if you're not married, imagine the horrible scenario: the doting mother of your live-in partner stops by for a surprise visit. Rushing to tidy up, you miss the seven-inch, realistically sculpted dildo sitting out on your coffee table. (We won't ask what it was doing there in the first place.) "What this, dear?" she wants to know. That's when you give up hope on life and jump from your two-story window.
Alternatively, why not scope out this list of sex toys so stealthy that even a meddling mother-in-law wouldn't suspect what they were up?
10. Rabbits and other phallic vibrators masquerading as adorable animals
With shapes that range from bunnies to dolphins, these vibes keep that sex toy shape and class it up with a little artistic imagination. The Eden Tropical G-Wave for one could easily be mistaken for sculpture -- bizarre, penis-shaped sculpture to be sure, but sculpture nonetheless. And what self-respecting mother-in-law would actually assume you get up close and personal with a plastic marine mammal?
9. The Lipstick Vibe
Small and discreet, this toy would definitely pass the mother-in-law test -- unless of course she wanted to touch up her makeup. Take off the cap, twist the base, and you've got a smooth, directed vibrator that's oh-so secret agent. It's also good for keeping in your purse in case you feel the urge to rub one out on the go.
8. The Cone
Though it may look like the misplaced hat of some pink-loving gnome, The Cone is actually a unique vibrator with 16 different settings and speeds -- including an "orgasm" button that skips the sex toy foreplay and jumps to the highest intensity. Sit astride it, lay over it, whatever you want, just as long as your visitor has gone home. Oh, and because The Cone is so powerful, it gets loud. That means knock this one off the list if mom is staying the night in the guest room.
7. The Wii-mote vibrator
Technically this one isn't a sex toy at all, it's the controller for the Nintendo Wii. But thanks to its long, thin shape and its rumble capabilities, plenty of people have been pondering how to turn it into a device for getting off. Two new designs have just come out, one less subtle than the other. Of course, since the Wii-mote itself looks a bit questionable, you might want to keep the whole system tucked away, not just the dildo attachments.
6. The Screaming Octopus Vibe and other super cute clit vibes
Clitoris vibrators can be a lot smaller than ones meant for insertion. That means they can also be a lot cuter. Take this tiny, waterproof, vibrating octopus for example, which comes with eight textured tentacles for bath or bedroom play. Sure, sitting on the side of your tub he might look like a kid's toy, but his looks sure don’t give away what he's really screaming: "Hey, I feel awesome on nipples too!" How would you mother-in-law respond to that?
5. The Rez Trance Vibrator
When the video game Rez was first released in Japan, stores sold it with a small black box that would vibrate in time with the game's music. Needless to say, it didn't take long for gamers to begin sticking the device, called the "Trance Vibrator," down their pants. These days the original vibrator is hard to find, but more recent releases of Rez have been sold with similar vibrating boxes -- which could easily pass for computer mice. And I don’t know about your mother, but mine certainly wouldn't give two hoots about computer mice.
4. The Liberator Wedge
A toy for two, the Liberator Wedge is a piece of bedroom equipment that helps you and your partner achieve more rewarding sex positions. If your mother-in-law spots this one, claim it's something the physical therapist gave you for your bad back. If she asks why you have a bad back, don't mess it up and say, "From all the intense, hot sex we've been having."
3. The Bullet and other sex toys so small they fit on a keychain
If you prefer subtlety to power, then check out the entire line of mini vibrators known as "bullets." Only an inch or two long, they tend to be slim and silver, easily mistaken for make-up, or maybe a fancy golf pen. This vibrator hides itself even better as a keychain flashlight. In fact, it is a flashlight -- as well as a waterproof vibe. Plus it comes in lots of pretty colors. Can you say versatile?
2. The Hello Kitty vibrators
Yes, even Sanrio has gotten in on the sex toy business. The traditional Hello Kitty vibrator, which has been selling in Japan for years, was marketed as a "back massager." Given its long, thick handle though, it probably wasn't fooling anyone. The newer generation of Hello Kitty vibes is more clit friendly, with just a few little bumps on the end of a portly, battery-packing toy. Leaving this one out may make you look immature -- but if your house, like mine, already sports a Hello Kitty toaster, what do you have to lose?
1. I Rub My Duckie
Only the nosiest of mother-in-laws could figure this one out. You may have had rubber ducks as a kid, but this is a bath toy of a whole new order. Pretty in pink, black, or original yellow, these waterproof vibrators make use of their friendly curves to, well, make you feel friendly. And positioned around your bathroom, they'll look like retro decorations, not sex toys. So let mom into the house. Heck, let her use your shower. She'll never suspect a thing.
