Posted at 7:30 AM Jul 22, 2008
By Bonnie Ruberg
Crazy things happen all the time in video games. People get shot, die, then come back to life. Plumbers traverse magical pipes and fight grumpy mushrooms. Monkeys voluntarily enter giant plastic balls and roll around collecting bananas. But perhaps the craziest thing going down in games these days is fashion -- specifically women's fashion. It's hard enough to find a decent female video game character. When you do find them, they're often sporting skin-tight jumpsuits and enough cleavage to smoother a small child. Strip those digital ladies down to their undies and the situation gets even worse.
Here then is a list of the top 10 most ridiculous undergarments ever worn by women in video games. Ladies, don't try these on at home -- even while sitting in your living room playing video games. Things could get dangerous.
10. Princess Peach's Frilly Pink Panties
You'd think a lady as used to getting kidnapped as Mario's Princess Peach would've learned to wear some more practical underwear. Instead, in keeping with her sugar sweet character (Who dressed you, honey, Mattel?) she's got white laceys with pink frilly trim. At least she's not going commando, because this demure little royal with the big '80s hair likes to kick high in Smash Bros. Brawl, the newest game in the series that pits Nintendo characters of both sexes against one another in adorably brutal battle. What's even better: you can pause Peach in mid-kick to get a better look.
9. Something-Died-Here Second Life Lingerie
Second Life is a massively multi-player online game -- and most days that translates to an Internet place with lots of people with sexy avatars roaming around in various states of undress. There's also a booming fashion business in Second Life, since users can create their own clothing and sell it to other people in the game. While little of that clothing covers more than 50 percent of a character's skin at any given time, some articles of intimacy border of the absurd. Take this lingerie ensemble, for example, on which it appears both a peacock and a mink have died. So tragic, yet so sexy.
8. The string bikinis of Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball
Technically they're not underwear, but the bathing suits worn by the women in Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball -- the game that basically invented what's called in the industry "realistic breast physics," but which boils down to bounciness -- might as well be made from dental floss and sticky notes. Can you imagine wearing that while diving for balls, or what about when jumping for spikes? Let's be honest: in the real world, there would be renegade breasts flying every which way. Though, granted, that may just put the "extreme" in this game about "extreme beach volleyball."
7. The no-bra bra
Number seven comes from a game called Otomedius, which so far has only been released in Japan but is coming soon to the States. In it, players power up busty on-screen maidens by rubbing their breasts. Yes, rubbing their breasts. So maybe it should come as no surprise that the game's well-endowed protagonist shows her face out of the house wearing what appears to be little more than two flaps of unsupported cloth mysteriously clinging to her perky but otherwise bare chest. Not only is this undergarment ridiculous, it -- like many on our list -- defies all rules of logic and science. Sorry, sister, but that just ain't gonna fly.
6. A push-up so effective it raises the dead
The nurses in survival horror game Silent Hill have always been awesomely creepy. From the neck down they're hot, if a little veiny and decaying. From the neck up though, they're faceless zombie monsters with old bandages instead of features. Sexy, right? They've also got a good deal of cleavage for video game monsters. Look closely enough, and you might even start to suspect these ladies were sporting push-up bras before they died -- and then awoke to eat your brains. How else could the undead get so much lift? Heck, if push-up bras keep you supple into the afterlife, that's a good enough advertisement for me.
5. Lara Croft goes commando
Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft is one of the most popular female video game characters of all times -- not just because she, like Indiana Jones, is a badass archeologist who can fit through small spaces -- but because her chest is so large you wonder if it doesn't hold special, hidden hand grenades. Her other signature fashion choice: those ass-tight little khaki shorts, which are practically underwear themselves. And they might as well be, because frankly, do you see a panty line on those things? Even a thong would leave some ripple on that curvy cut of fabric. It's time to face facts. Lara Croft has no undies. That's her real secret weapon.
4. Gravity defying tube tops
Tube tops are a bitch. You can't wear them with bras with straps, otherwise you're that girl. As for strapless bras, anyone with a C cup or higher knows they're pretty much a cruel joke. No, tube top wearers are resigned to flapping in the wind -- that is, until now. Thanks to the new virtual world Age of Conan, strapless bras can apparently defy gravity. Even female characters with chests of porn-star proportions can get away with skimpy, strapless tops that also appear to give support. Some don't even reach all the way around a character’s back. Leverage? Realism? Bah humbug!
3. A strip of velvet passing for armor
If anyone could nurse an entire developing nation with her ridiculously proportioned upper half, it's Ivy from the fighting game Soul Calibur. She’s pretty badass in a fight: she has a whip and chain for starters. But as each new game in the Soul Calibur series comes out, her outfits get more and more ridiculous. Nowadays, while parts of her are armored -- like her shoulders and fists -- other parts are completely exposed. Her chest, for example, is protected by a single strip of velvet -- which will, no doubt, ward off all potential blows. She's also infamous for wearing a thong into battle. Maybe showing off her curves is a way of distracting her opponents, but that girl must be cold. No one will think less of you if you wear some pants. Promise!
2. Undies for outer space adventure
As video game characters go, Samus Aran, the star of the Metroid games, is pretty admirable. She shoots big guns, she can curl into a perfectly spherical ball, and she does it all from within a giant suit that protects her body and makes her un-ogle-able. When playing the earliest Metroid game, gamers didn't even know she was a woman. That is, until she took off her suit at the end of her mission fighting aliens in outer space. And what was she wearing underneath? Why, a matching bra and panty set, of course. Wouldn't you think, if you were going off to save entire races of life, that you'd at least wear a sports bra?
1. A metal thong. Yup, that’s right.
It's hard to imagine an undergarment more uncomfortable than a metal thong. Somewhere between a chastity belt and a piece of BDSM gear, the outfit worn by
The Empress of Time Shahdee in The Prince of Persia looks like it would be great for your posture and horrible for just about everything else. With a number of steel ribbons that disappear into the nether regions of the character's voluptuous behind, an equally uncomfortable steel bra that wraps around to grab her breasts and hold them in place, and some sharp shoulder spikes, this is certainly the most ridiculous undergarment of them all. At least she could injure enemies by sliding up real close then stabbing them with her undies. And in the end, isn't that what we all really want out of underwear?