Top 10 Most Valuable Fashion Tips Gleaned from American Apparel Ads

Posted at 5:00 AM Jul 23, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

No doubt: Madison Avenue views us all as drones in search of the next new "It" bag, jean, oven mitt, whatever. But when it comes to causing ad-related controversy, nobody does it like American Apparel, which sells sweatshop-free duds by bizarrely posing sometimes not-at-all dressed hipsters in some of the company's less-practical pieces. (Sweatshop free, did you guys get that? Made in America! With Jack Bauer's own two hands! USA! USA! USA!)

The ads' ubiquity cannot be denied; all we can do is learn what we can. After all, purple holographic spandex leggings have their time and place, right? Right! It's just a matter of knowing how to wear your American Apparelwear properly. Which can sometimes be a mystery. In a public service -- the likes of which has not been seen since Brangelina adopted something -- I spent hours poring over American Apparel ads, re-activating long-quashed body image issues so you don't have to. All in search of the valuable, often timeless, fashion tips contained within.

10. Shirts. Are. Optional.

Tiny, barely pubescent plastic Bambis are not. So when you're standing in your closet (or in front of the IKEA set-up that serves as the same in the apartment you share with 13 other people in Williamsburg) in your Vegas Leggings, wondering if you should tone up or tone down when it comes to your above-the-waist garment, just opt out. Carry around those little Bambis and everyone will get the thinly veiled reference to your budding, animistic sexuality.

9. When possible, avoid shoes.

That's just one more thing someone's going to have to mentally labor upon when wondering what the hell you were thinking when you put on your boyfriend's drawers, a mesh bra, and striped knee-highs. Don't confuse the plebes. Let them bask in your sans-chausseures fabulosity.

8. Clothes are not only for wearing, not if you, like, think about it.

Note this young woman's thoughtful use of tips No. 10 and 9. Note also her sartorial acumen in making socks something other than mere footwear, allowing them to become something mystical, something powerfully sexual, something that still really, really needs to be washed before she wears them again.

7. Your ass is a great Christmas present when wrapped in stylish AAwear, so share your great fashion sense with others!

If your hindquarters look like this in stripes -- I'm talking to both of you out there -- do not keep it to yourself. Allow it to stuff and be stuffed in the name of Jesus. Amen! Also a great gift-giving idea on other occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries and Boss' Day, assuming you work for R. Kelly.

6. Men! Don't feel left out -- American Apparel makes cool clothes for you, too.

I think. I can't really tell from the ads. You guys should probably just go to Target or something.

5. Sometimes, wearing a tube top and bikini panties will not be enough to adequately convey the message that you are a sexually liberated woman pinned into a corner by a guy with a powerful flash on his camera.

Try to enhance the ensemble with a "come hither" look of carnal prowess combined with a fun, cute gymnastics move that a high school cheerleader might make. Everyone will understand that you are totally in control of the situation. And your left leg.

4. The only thing that pairs better with 100% American-made, sweatshop-free gear than the sex-kitten gaze of Rule No. 5 is 100%, American-made vulnerability.

Spend a few minutes every morning practicing an expression that combines any or all of the following key words and phrases: bewilderment, worry, insecurity, baby kittens, barely legal, cower, need to be home by midnight.

3. Alternative to Rule No. 4, just don't be over 18.

Otherwise, there's a good chance this stuff will probably look shitty on you.

2. Woah! Sorry!

For a minute there, looking at countless ads consisting of hypersexualized pseudo-porn featuring barely legal models who probably can't spell "cellulite" was starting to make me kinda angry at the establishment or the patriarchy or Los Angeles, I'm not sure which. Did you guys see that? I apologize. Here, this picture is nice. Somersaults are fun.

1. Finally: what goes with everything, from tube socks to purple lamé hotpants? Your open, inviting girlparts.

In fact, the more ridiculous the AAwear, the more likely it is that the perfect accessory is going to be a spread-eagle flash to anyone you can get to glance in your direction. And trust me, ladyfriend, in a gold bodysuit and red opaque tights, someone will be looking. It doesn't matter if you're in a cab, in a dirty bathroom, in a college kid's apartment or 50 feet tall at the corner of Houston and LaFayette, people will always appreciate a good crotch flash while they're appreciating your good fashion sense.