Rant in Reply: I care about the X-Files, and I want to believe you do, too

Posted at 8:49 AM Jul 25, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

Cinema Blend's Josh Tyler waxes apathetic today about X-Files: I Want To Believe, asserting that "no one cares" about the film. He gives us five reasons why that's the case. Josh Tyler, I give you five reasons why this girl cares deeply ... or in one case, shallowly.

5. Dana Scully is a role model.

Blame Chris Carter for many things -- the The Lone Gunmen spinoff, for one -- but never say he did anything less than create one of the greatest TV heroines of all time in Dana Scully. Shamelessly intelligent, undeniably sexy and quite possibly one of the deepest, most conflicted characters ever to grace the small screen, Scully was the kind of woman us '90s adolescents needed to be looking up to while MTV was shoving dipshit Daisy Fuentes down our impressionable throats and frou-frou Ally McBeal was losing serious poundage every week.

4. Fox Mulder: batshit crazy in a way Bruce Wayne could never be. Loves it.

Yes, Christopher Nolan's new Batman is all brooding and nutballs now that somebody finally got around to seriously acknowledging the fact that dressing up like a bat is Crazy with a capital "C." Tragic men are sexy, we get it. But Bruce Wayne is a playboy douchebag with more money than God, so how are us fangirls meant to fantasize about bedding him? No, Fox Mulder is one fine piece, not only because he's an Oxford-educated psychologist, but also because we might run into him at the grocery store and talk conspiracy theory in the dairy aisle. Or just make out. So after everyone gets done losing their shit over Christian Bale, we can come back down to earth (or into outer space) with David Duchovny.

3. Mulder-Scully Make-Out Scene OMG!1!1one!!!11one!1

OK, I don't know if there's gonna be one, but if there's one adolescent nerdgirl sexual fantasy I want to see lived out, it's some tongue-on-tongue action between these two.

2. WTF is this secrecy business? We must have faith that the truth is out there.

I Want To Believe that this thing is worth a $9 bucket of popcorn. The X-Files is about faith in something unseen, about truths untold. And since none of the actors have been allowed to talk about the film, they're practically playing the collective role of Cigarette Smoking Man in keeping us fans in the dark. A true X-Phile will not be deterred.

1. Fuzzy earmuff hats!